Young and Excited
by CatsRocks
Summary: Having a crush can be exciting, but how far is too far? When can it become painful? The story of the internal conflicts of a young tom, his crush, and a cat who is stuck between the two. The story is not labeled as "Romance" on purpose.
1. Under the Moonlight

**Disclaimer: I don't own CATS! **

** The first chapter doesn't have any dialogues (on purpose), but it will get more interesting from the second chapter.**

The young tom sat quietly behind the old tire, his eyes glowing in the night. He made sure that he made no sound – not even a slight rustle or a sigh. But there was a gigantic smile on his face, a smile of wonder and amazement. Without knowing it, he let out a small purr that made a shrill of panic run down his spine; he immediately put his paws up to his mouth, scolding himself within his mind that he was so careless. After all, a single incautious action could shatter this moment of magic.

In the open area, under the bright moonlight, the she-cat stretched out her body and exhaled. Her legs then swiftly swung through the air and she seemed, for a second, as if she was floating in the air. Her fragile tail followed her body's movements, although a second late every time. Her white body spun around, her head looking up into the bright stars. Her legs cut through the air like a powerful knife yet with the greatest of artistic considerations… She then sat down. She was panting – who wouldn't be out of breath after such vivacious movements? White fog escaped from her open – yet smiling – mouth.

The young tom, too, was panting. Pouncival felt his chest with his paw – his heart was beating like crazy. How beautiful she looked in the moonlight! How perfectly proportioned her smile was! And her glowing eyes… Etcetera's wonderful, glowing eyes of youth…

Etcetera stretched out her body, looking up at the bright moon. She inhaled, as if absorbing the illumination of the moon. She exhaled shortly after.

Pouncival sighed. How he wished that he was next to her, his paws softly on her body, both gliding through the night air and enjoying each step of the dance…!

Etcetera then suddenly turned around and looked at the direction of where the young tom was hiding at. She had a face of confusion.

Pouncival was startled. Was his hiding spot not safe enough? His body lightly shook. _Oh, shoot… Did she notice me…?_

She then gave a friendly smile.

Pouncival let out an inaudible sigh of relief. Whether she knew or not that he was here, she probably would be alright with it – if his interpretation of her smile was right. He was tempted to step out and reveal himself to her, exposing his true feelings for her, but he decided not to lest the situation may become unbearably awkward.

Etcetera then started to slowly walk toward the tire. At this, Pouncival felt as if he was having a heart attack. But he also couldn't deny the feeling of excitement within him… He didn't want to be discovered, yet there was a small part of his heart that told him that he wanted to be discovered…

_Come on Etcy… A few more steps… I'm right here… Come on and discover me…_

Etcetera suddenly stopped, gave a puzzled face, and turned around. She resumed to her dancing.

_I guess she doesn't know I'm here…_ he thought. He was somewhat relieved, but also a little bit saddened.

At the fear of being caught secretly looking at her, Pouncival raced toward the narrow alley right behind the tire – of course, making sure that he didn't make any sound. His heart was beating like a violent tempest, and sweat was running down from his head. His face was red as blood, and he could feel the warmth in his face. He suddenly came to a sharp halt and led himself to a nearby broken television.

He assumed that this was a safe distance from her noticing.

He closed his eyes. He felt as if he could sense all of his blood excitedly travelling through his bloodstreams.

Smiling (but not knowing that he was), he sat down on the ground and looked up at the black night sky; a few white stars were shining here and there. He felt somewhat dizzy, and his brain felt as if it was hit by something hard. For a moment, he couldn't think straight – just an empty black canvas in his mind.

Then, when he felt that his consciousness had returned, the first image that came into his mind was that of her smile. The smile that she had given. Not only cute, but also beautiful. A beautiful, friendly smile. It was as if it made everything suddenly better.

Then came the image of her dancing. Her delicate, flexible movements! How her motions seemed to be absolutely free from gravity! How her body was simply so beautiful! Every inch of her seemed to be a piece of art…

Never before had he viewed someone's body this way…

And her fragile whiskers… How they were perfectly positioned… And how he wanted his lips to be touching her lips… But at this, he shook of the thoughts with shame. He was rather shocked at how far his imagining went; how guilty he felt of thinking such silly thoughts…

Still, he couldn't deny the exciting feeling within him. It was a feeling that couldn't be explained by words… a peculiar feeling, yet a pleasant one…

_Oh… Etcy… Do you know what I'm feeling…? Do you know that my excitement is about you…? Do you know how much I want to be next to you…? That smile is not enough… I want more… and I hope you want more, too…_

He purred with excitement. The peculiar feeling now seemed to be playfully tickling every one of his nerves. Yet his consciousness seemed to be telling him that he was going too far, that he was now thinking about her with lust. He tried to shake it off – convincing himself that his feelings for her were completely sincere – yet he could still feel the small sense of guilt within him. There was a voice within him that told him that something was not completely right.

_No… no… It's not lust, _he tried to make himself believe._ It's deeper than that! Truly… _

_ Tomorrow… hopefully… tomorrow… I'll talk to her… _he thought.


	2. Feel Better

The morning of the Junkyard was covered by a thick wave of fog. According to the wisdoms of the ancestors, the fog would bring forth a sunny day. The kittens were all excited in their dens, as the day to come would be bright and cheerful.

And at last the sun revealed its great illumination, its rays reaching the damp dirt of the Junkyard. All cats, young and old, crept out of their dens and found their usual spots on the dirt. With friends and families near, they would spend hours and hours talking, making simple crafts, or just enjoying the sun.

"Jem?"

"Hmm… Pounce?"

"Do you mind if… if… I tell you something kinda personal…?"

"Oh, go ahead. I'm actually really curious what it is…" Jemima said with a smile.

"Ok… Well… Well, it's rather embarrassing…" Pouncival said shyly.

"Pounce! No need to be embarrassed between friends!" Jemima said, laughing.

"Alright… just keep it a secret, Jem. Well, you know… Etcetera…" Pouncival said with a blushed face.

"Pounce! Really? Oh… how cute!" Jemima exclaimed.

"What, Jem? I haven't said anything yet!"

"Oh, it's obvious. What more do you have to say than that you have a crush on her?"

"How do you know?" Pouncival asked, looking around him and making sure that no one heard what she had just said. He felt somewhat worried about how her friend knew about it already.

"It's obvious by how you are acting, Pouncy! Your face is more red than the sunset!"

Pouncival felt his face with his paws. It was warm with both embarrassment and excitement. His heart was beating like a racing horse. He realized that he was displaying a gigantic smile all day long.

"Oh, Jem! What should I do? I've heard about all this crush thing… but it's my first serious crush!"

"Well, Pounce, you know what the wise folks tell you: Just act naturally by your heart…"

"Like that's easy!" complained Pouncival. "I can't even breathe naturally near her!"

"Well, all you need to do is simply show her that you care for her, that you consider her special…"

"Like how…?"

"Like… Simply smiling when you're next to her, or helping her do something… Something that will make you closer to her," Jemima answered.

"But what if she realizes that I have a crush on her? Then maybe she'll hate me and everything will get screwed up!"

"Pounce, there's nothing wrong with her realizing that you have a crush on her! She'll think it's really sweet and all! Think about it. If someone has a crush on you, wouldn't you feel really great? Wouldn't you feel really special and happy?"

"Well… I guess you're right…"

"I don't know, Pounce. It's just what I feel. What happens from now on is totally up to you."

"Jem, but the thing is… I want you to kinda help me… You know… Since you and Etcy are best friends, maybe you can kinda indirectly hint at her…"

"Oh! Pounce! Please! Act like you have guts! And you're a tom!"

They both laughed. Then, there was a long moment of silence. Pouncival slumped down to the ground, sighing. Jemima seemed to be fiddling with something in the grass.

"Pouncy?"

"Hmm?"

"I made a ring out of dandelions," Jemima said, showing her fragile piece of art.

Pouncival laughed. "Maybe that should be your mating ring."

"No. That's for far away in the future."

"Jem, I really feel excited about her right now. When I close my eyes, I can see her smile. My heart is racing. And I… I… I don't know. It just feels so good…!"

"Oh, I know that feeling. Enjoy it, Pounce. It's a wonderful feeling to have a crush. And now, it's time for you to show it!" Jemima said with a naughty smile. Immediately, she grabbed him at his paws and raced toward where Etcetera and some other cats were.

"Jem! Stop it! Seriously!" Pouncival screamed, half-laughing and half-panicking.

"Pounce! It's no good to do nothing and just sit! Look, I'll make sure things go smoothly," Jemima replied.

Finally, the kittens arrived by Etcetera, who was excitedly chattering with Electra.

"Hey, Etcy. Pounce has something to say to you," Jemima said with a smile.

Etcetera looked up. "Oh, hey! How are you doing?"

"G… good… Thanks…" Pounce said, almost inaudibly.

"Is there something you wanted to tell me?" she asked.

"W… well…" Pouncival couldn't manage to look into her eyes. Instead, he shyly stared down at the ground.

"Pouncy, it's not polite to look down when we're talking. Come on, look at me," Etcetera said.

At this, Pouncival felt as if his heart had suddenly stopped. He slowly lifted his head, revealing his blushed face.

"Pouncy! Are you like… sick or something? Your… your… face is so red…!" Etcetera said worriedly.

"No… I'm… f… fi…"

That instance, without giving him a break, Etcetera raised her paw up to his forehead. He almost fainted, but he also couldn't deny how great he felt at the moment.

"Hmm. Your forehead is rather warm, but not something like a fever. Come on, you're just having a bad day, that's all." She leaned forward and gave Pouncival a tight hug; he gasped. He could feel her heart right next to his.

Jemima, right next to them, was dying with laughter.

Etcetera let go of Pouncival at last. "Wow, your heart is beating like mad. But I hope that makes you feel better. We all have bad days; I understand," she said with a friendly smile.

"Th… th… thanks…" Pouncival replied, his mouth almost numb.

"Anytime. Just come to me if you need a good hug."

"Sure!" Jemima interrupted. "And I need one too, best friend!"  
Etcetera gave Jemima a hug; she kept on laughing.

"He's having a rough day, isn't he?" asked Etcetera.

"Oh, you'll see why pretty soon," Jemima replied with an amused face. Etcetera simply grinned.

Jemima then ran away, leaving the blushed Pouncival with his crush. He tried to say something to her, but he couldn't manage to let out any words. Sighing, he ran off toward his friend.

"I'm gonna kill you so bad, Jem!" he playfully screamed. He leaped toward his friend and wrestled her down to the ground.

"Who's boss now, Jem? Huh?" he said, laughing.

Jemima, who was also laughing, quickly escaped and pushed down Pouncival; now, he was the one on the bottom. Jemima put her face so close to his face that he was actually somewhat frightened.

"Ok, Jem. It's getting kinda creepy," he said.

"Someday, someday… You'll thank me, Pounce," Jemima said quietly with a smile.

He simply laughed, but he just couldn't figure out what his friend meant.


	3. Missing Out

Today, the sky was cloudy; the sun's illumination was covered up. Nothing was new today; just a plain, normal day. No new gossip excited chattering cats, and all Jellicles simply let time go doing what they would usually do.

_Today, I will be more confident. Today, I will be braver. Today, I will act like a tom…_

Pouncival chanted quietly to himself underneath the broken chair.

_Today, I will be braver. Today, I will act with guts. Today, I will do better…._

It was as if he was hypnotizing himself. Whenever he thought about how unconfident he acted in front of Etcetera yesterday, he immediately blushed and felt as if he wanted to go hide in a hole. He didn't want to be seen by her as a shy, unconfident, weak tom. He was more than that. What he was yesterday wasn't the side of him that he wanted his crush to think of him as.

Yet when he looked at Etcetera, with Jemima, Victoria, and Electra far away by the broken refrigerator, all of his confidence seemed to collapse. His mind went blank, and he didn't know what words to say.

_No… no…! Not today! Come on… Pounce… Act with your guts… Think straight… She's nothing but just a cat like you…_ he told himself. With some of his confidence recharged, he promised himself that he will go to her – and talk to her.

Although his heart was screaming for him to stay, Pouncival let his legs take over and slowly walked to where his crush and her friends were.

"Hey guys," he said, trying to look as _cool_ as possible. (_What the hell is being cool, anyway?_ he questioned within.)

"Oh, hey, Pounce," Electra and Victoria said. The others just smiled. Pouncival smiled back and lay down on his stomach.

"Are you gonna talk to her today?" Jemima whispered in his ears.

He nodded with a grin. Jemima nodded back with a satisfied smile.

"So…" Pouncival said, although he felt rather awkward, "What were you guys doing…?"

"We were just talking and – wasting time, I guess," Victoria answered.

"Oh… that's… great," he said.

They – all except Pouncival – just did their usual gossip and talking. Etcetera, of course, talked the most. Almost all the time, she was simply hyper and excited about whatever the topic was.

_They are interested in the least interesting topics…_ Pouncival thought, rolling his eyes.

"So, Pounce…"

He instantly opened his eyes wider and tried to act as if he had been paying attention. "Wait, what?" he said.

"Pounce – we're just curious – who was your first kiss?" asked Electra. Pouncival realized that his heart's speed was rapidly accelerating.

"Well… uhh… Well… Actually, I never had one…" he answered honestly, although with a scarlet face.

"Awwwwww!" The four queens said in unison.

"You're like… so innocent!" said Victoria.

"Well, you're already mated, Vic!" said Electra, giving her a friendly punch on the side.

"I mean, I'd love to have a first kiss… but…" Pouncival continued.

"Awwwwwwww…!" The queens purred again

"Well, if you could choose, who would you want have a first kiss with, among us four? No, wait; us three, since Victoria is already mated…" asked Etcetera. She had a large smile on her face.

"Well…" Pouncival felt that this was his chance. He felt that he ought to grab onto this chance… _Just shout it out, that it's Etcetera! _cried something within himself. Yet another side of him made him more hesitant about it…

"Well… it'd be… Jem, I guess…" he answered with a sigh, yet looking into Etcetera's eyes.

They all laughed, except Jemima, who rolled her eyes. Eventually, she joined into the laughter, too.

"Awwww… You're such a cute tom, Pounce!" exclaimed Etcetera.

He smiled – a smile of accomplishment. "I can't believe I'm having such conversation with queens," he commented. "This is rather awkward…"

"Oh, we're always like this, so don't worry," said Electra.

"I mean, do you guys… like… know more… about those stuff… than what I suppose?" he asked.

"Oh, queens always talk about those things. Trust me, they always do," answered Jemima.

"We think it's romantic. You know… something like… a good, friendly tom at our side, under the moonlight; our face buried in their chests; eventually, leading to a good, long kiss…" Etcetera purred.

All of the other queens purred, too. Pouncival didn't know what to say.

"I mean, Plato is that kind of a tom. He is sweet, he is cute, but more than that, he's a tom that you can trust on. Whenever I'm next to him, I feel that I am being protected and that I'm in safety," Victoria said.

Pouncival simply nodded with a smile. Inside, it was as if he was taking notes on what she had just said. _Being reliable… being reliable…_ he repeated inside himself.

A few hours had passed so, without much more excitement. By the time when the sky darkened and the night was coming, almost all of the cats have returned to their (or someone else's) dens.

Pouncival was walking with Tumblebrutus. The two were rather quiet, somewhat tired after the day.

Pouncival looked up, and he saw Etcetera coming toward his way. Immediately, his body became tense and his heart began to race again.

"G…good evening, Etcy…" he managed to say.

"Hey! Pounce, you were so funny at the conversation! I hope you and Jem go well!" she said, laughing.

"No… I was only joking about… you know… the first… you know… with her. I mean… Don't take it too seriously…" he said with an embarrassed shrug.

"Ok. Well, see you tomorrow!" she said. She excitedly sprinted towards Jemima's den. (_Where does all of her energy come from?_ he wondered.)

"Pounce… What happened today?" Tumblebrutus asked with a slightly amused face.

"Oh…. n… nothing…"

"You liar. Come on; your face is red."

"Really… nothing much… Just had some talk with the queens…"

Tumblebrutus sighed. "Oh, Pouncy. You're just a kitten after all. Just a little kitten…"

Pouncival became a little bit annoyed at this comment. "What do you mean…"

"You'll find out later… you will. But let me tell you something. Many times, what your heart tells you to believe may not be what you're actually feeling. Just keep that in mind…"

"You're drunk," said Pouncival, half-joking and half-irritated.

Tumblebrutus threw at him a friendly punch and then started to go about his way. "Pounce, you're just young… Younger than you think…" he said as he was going, looking back at the kitten.

Pouncival gave him a confused look. Tumblebrutus, in exchange, gave him a tired smile. But it wasn't a usual, simple smile… It was… a smile with a deeper meaning… a deeper meaning which Pouncival couldn't understand…

In his eyes, everyone around him seemed to be turning into philosophers… Yesterday, Jemima… Today, Tumblebrutus…

_What in the world are they trying to say? _he thought. _Am I missing out on something…?_

**I most certainly appreciate comments and criticism, so please tell me what I need to improve on. Thanks! :)**


	4. Unpleasant Feeling

Pouncival let his two eyes focus on the young white queen sitting below a small tree. Apparently, there was a small brown bird that was sitting on the branch above. The bird was singing a humorous tune… singing as if he was free from the predator right below him. It was as if he was mocking the young queen for not trying to catch him.

The young queen gave no sign of trying to catch the bird. Instead, she calmly looked onto the bird with eyes of curiosity.

_Pouncy… Go and greet her… Come on… It's not like this is going to be your first time speaking to her… _persuaded a voice in his mind.

Trying to approaching her seemed less of a difficult move this time. _Of course she'll greet me with her usual smile… There's no reason she should hate me, after all…_

Paw by paw, Pouncival approached Etcetera, and, making sure that he is not too close his crush, gave a smile.

"Hello," he said somewhat cheerfully.

"Oh, hey! How's it going?" she replied.

"Uh… well… It's going really good!"

"I believe it's more correct to say "really well," not "really good!" yelled a familiar voice from a distance. _Alonzo._

"Such a Grammar Macavity. He wasn't like this so much before," Pouncival commented, rolling his eyes.

Etcetera just laughed. "I think it's cute. Toms correcting each other's grammar, you know…"

At this, Pouncival's face turned slightly red. Whatever comment she made about toms would apply to him, too – or so did he perceive it.

"So…" Etcetera said, her efforts of trying to display good manners by trying to continue the conversation quite visible.

"Well…" purred Pouncival. Although he hated awkward moments such as this, he had to admit within his mind how great it felt to be in a conservation with his crush. "Well… Why aren't you catching that bird? It seems as if he is making fun of you."

"Well… I don't know. We had a good breakfast, and I'm kinda full at this point, so I'll just make today a lucky day for him," answered Etcetera. "Plus, I'm too lazy to get blood on my paws right now."

"I see," he said. He never associated his crush with laziness or any other negative qualities, and how surprising it was to hear her confess of that quality. "Do you mind if I sit next to you here?"

"Uh… Why not…? Hear have a seat," she said, patting a certain area on the ground. "Is there something you want to talk about or something? I don't think you ever came up to me specifically for a conservation before…"

Pouncival gave a little smile. _Of course I didn't, Etcy; I'm trying to make progress, so please notice it…_ he thought.

The conversation went on thus for a few minutes. Fine weather (how rare), fine day, fine mice they ate that morning, _et cetera_… He paid less attention, however, to the actual topics compared to how much he was focusing on the beauty of her face… It was as if her face was sucking in his attention… Everything around her face just becoming a blur…

Pouncival was mostly much joyful that he was talking with her, yet at certain points he felt rather uncomfortable about the fact that the conversation would stop every here and there. It was always due to the lack of things to talk about. He felt that he had to push and force the conversation go on… preventing the talk from being natural and flowing. The worry would linger in his mind and harass him for the rest of the day.

The afternoon hours passed, and the air became a bit colder. The sky turned into a heavy gray color and down came raindrops – small raindrops, yet very obvious.

There was a knock by Jemima's den door.

"Oh, who is it?" she asked.

"It's me, Pouncival."

"Oh, come in, Pouncy…" she said. He did so.

"So… Why did you come? Oh, sorry… I didn't want it to sound so hostile…"

"No… no… It wasn't hostile… Sometimes, you apologize too much, Jem," said Pouncival.

She gave a shy shrug.

"Well, I'm here since all of my other friends are just sleeping. I had no one to talk to, so I thought I should just hang out here. If you're okay with it…"

"Of course! I would always welcome a friend," Jemima said, stretching out her legs.

"Thanks. I'll just take a seat here," he said, sitting down by and old, half-wrecked lamp. "I just wanted to tell you how it's going between Etcy and me."

At this, Jemima's eyes brightened. "Oh, yes! I am interested; you know I always am."

"Well, I think it's going real well. I talked to her today afternoon, and I greet her when I see her, and she smiles back when I greet her. Everything's going pretty good – I mean, well. I think I'm making good progress. If this continues for a few weeks, then…"

"W… wait, Pouncy. Sorry to cut you off, but… but… I mean, t… that's great…"

Pouncival gave her a puzzled look. "Well, anyway, it's going much better than I thought. She doesn't hate me or anything. Sometimes, it's as if she's glad when I'm near her. I'm sure that pretty soon, we'll…"

"Uh… Pounce… Again, sorry to interrupt you, but… but… I kinda feel that... that you're being a little _too_ happy, you know?"

"What do you mean? It's good to be happy, right?"

"Well, yes, but the thing is… I always heard wise folks say how if you are just _too_ happy about something, it will break… I'm sorry to make the mood suddenly cold, but I gotta admit… there is this unpleasant feeling within me…"

"Unpleasant feeling…? But…"

"I mean, I really am happy that you and Etcy are going along well, but I kinda feel that if you make it too obvious that you like her, she'll feel rather pressured and… and…"

"But you said before that there's nothing wrong with her knowing I have a crush on her, Jem."

"I guess I did say that, but still… I don't know. I just don't feel so good when everything is going so good and everything is so happy. I feel like something is going to go wrong… soon… if everything's going too perfectly. I'm sorry, Pounce; I really am, for making this so awkward, but I just had to say it to you…"

"Well… uh… okay. Thanks… thanks… for the advice…" he said, slowly reaching for the exit. He tried to give a smile as he exited.

Jemima, now alone in the den, closed her eyes. _Why did I break the happiness for him? Why was I so concerned with giving that stupid advice…? He's really happy with her… What if I sucked the joy out of it…?_

Her mind in a great turmoil, she peeked out of the den to clear her mind. She noticed that the rain had stopped, and that the ground was an awful mess of mud. She almost fainted when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

"Jem…?"

"Oh… Etcy… uh… Hi… uh…" Jemima said. Her eyes were on the ground.

"Is something wrong, Jem? You look really tired…" Etcetera noticed.

"Oh… uh… nothing, nothing. I was just wondering about something. Hey, why don't we go in…?"

"Sure," replied Etcetera with the usual, excited smile.

Jemima, too, gave a smile; really, she was close to throwing up.

She felt stuck. Stuck between her two friends. And she had a feeling that it would not be solved quietly.


	5. Wisely

"Jem, before I say anything, can you promise me that you'll keep whatever we talk about right now as a secret between only us?"

"Uhh… Sure, why not…" she replied. She tried to cover up her uneasiness with a slight smile.

"Okay. I trust you," said Etcetera. _Oh, please don't say that, Etcy…! _Jemima cried in her heart. After all, it was only a few moments ago when she was talking secretly with Pouncival about her. How she was keeping that secret talk _about_ her best friend _from_ her best friend made her feel shameful… and guilty.

"So… What do you want to tell me, Etcy…?"

"Jem, it's… it's… you know… Pouncy…"

Jemima knew already that her friend would bring up that name, but at the same time, the topic felt like a raw, fresh surprise; a heavy boulder falling upon her shoulders… "W… what about him…?" Pretending not to know what was going on only caused her to feel even more guilty.

"He… he… I'm really not sure what he's trying to do… But I think he has special feelings about me… Special feelings… I can just sense it…" Etcetera said.

"Well, how do you know…?"

"I mean, he seldom talked to me before all this, and we rarely greeted each other; but now, he treats me as if I'm someone who saved him from drowning or something. At least the way he smiles at me. He always tries to act really nice to me, and I really appreciate that…"

"W… what do you think he's trying to do…?"

"Oh, how embarrassing!" cried Etcetera, putting her front paws on her blushed face. "I'm almost certain he has a crush on me… Right, right? He does, right? He really acts like it…"

"Oh… well… That's great, isn't it? Congratulations, truly…" Jemima felt like a great hypocrite after she remembered her talk with Pouncival only a few minutes ago.

"I mean, it's good to know someone likes me, you know… It's special, but… but… I know that I can't give him back such special feelings. He's… he's just not the tom I had in mind…"

"Well, is it Tugger, then?" asked Jemima, trying to make the atmosphere a little bit lighter.

"No, no!" exclaimed Etcetera, almost rolling with laughter at tjos. It was a great relief to see her friend laughing, laughing like the _usual_ Etcetera. Jemima secretly hoped that this wasn't a calm breeze before a threatening storm.

"What do you mean? You always flirt around Tugger, Etcy!" replied Jemima, trying to involve herself in the laughter, too.

"Of course you know what I mean! You know I always fool around Tugger, but that's just joking and fooling around for fun…! I'm not a whore like that or… Oh, excuse me," she gasped, covering her mouth with her paw.

"It's alright…" Jemima grinned.

"Good thing Old Deuteronomy isn't here. Whew. Anyway, you know I'm just joking around Tugger, and everyone knows that – I hope. But… there's a room in my heart… a room in my heart dedicated for a certain tom… yet I don't know who that is yet. No one has inhabited that room yet, and I can tell you it's a very, very special room."

"I understand, Etcy."

"Really, Jem, I'm glad that there's someone who likes me and treats me so nicely, but there's nothing more I want with him other than becoming friends with him…"

"But isn't he… kinda cute…?" Jemima said. When she realized that she was trying to persuade her best friend for Pouncival's side, more shame conquered her heart.

"Sure, he is cute, but that's not the only thing I want. You know, these days, I sometimes have a wild desire in my heart… a desire for the special cat… a special tom… the tom who I don't know yet. But for now… for now… I want to keep that a mystery. I think that if I go too fast with anyone, things will start to crack here and there. And again, I assure you, Jemy, it ain't Tugger who'll be that special tom!"

Both laughed.

Within her heart, Jemima felt a sense of admiration for her best friend. Within the curtains of her young energy and the seeming immaturity, her friend had a respectable philosophy that she crafted within herself.

That night, as Jemima was trying to sleep in her cardboard box (what an overly-sensitive guest "sleep" was), she couldn't stop her mind thinking. Regrets, thanks, joys, worries, anger, admiration… They all presented themselves in her mind.

She slowly tiptoed to the den door and stepped out. The cold night air welcomed her and covered her up like a curtain. She gasped, but then let the air hug her.

She felt as if the air was persuading her to take another step, and another step… Eventually, she found a good spot on the ground, and, despite how cold the dirt was, lay down. Clouds had naughtily covered up the bright stars and the moon; the Junkyard was almost completely dark thus. Yet she did not feel frightened. She had a peculiar feeling within her that told her that she was too old for that. It would be an embarrassing thing to be afraid of the dark, the dark that covered up everything else and let her focus on her thoughts…

Jemima enjoyed these moments. Such moments of meditation, contemplation upon the large and small things that bothered her… Free from the rest of the cats, free from everything else… Just her… Just herself… in the dark… in the cold dark…

_Look, Etcy, _she thought_, I'm sorry I've always thought of you as immature and crazy. I mean, you can be crazy sometimes, but I discovered today some of your true thoughts… You're much deeper than what I thought. You may goof around Tugger, but I see that you are really a good, young queen who cherishes her heart. I… I know now… your feelings about Pouncival… But… but… oh forgive me… I'm stuck between you and him. I am friends with both of you, and I really want the best for both of you. I want to respect you, but I also want to help Pouncival get closer to you… even if it's not necessarily by a relationship._

_ Look, Pounce… I want to be helpful, and I want to be kind. But I learned today that Etcy just wants to share friendship with you, and I have no other choice than to respect that. So now, I'll just help you and Etcy become better friends… I'll help you guys to not be so awkward… I'll do my best for you two to get closer. And from then on, you'll have to make a decision… And if that decision is truly from your heart, I'm sure it'll go well… Pounce, you must understand me. I am kinda stuck between you and Etcy. This is my own compromise in my heart about you two, and I'll make sure that you two go well together, as friends… As friends… That's what I'll work for now…_

She felt a small, warm drop of water running from her left eye down her cheek before she fell asleep.

When she half-opened her eyes, it was still dark. She also realized that someone was carrying her. She suddenly felt humiliated about being carried as if she was a very young kitten.

"W… who is it…?" she said, half asleep yet somewhat frightened.

"It's me, Munk. Why were you sleeping on the dirt, Jem?"

"Oh, Munk… I was… was… just thinking…"

"I'm sure you thought wisely, whatever it was about. Go to sleep. Still a few hours until the sun."

She nodded and let sleep take over her again.


	6. Solid

The general meeting that took place once or twice a week was by no means the favorite activity for any one cat (expect for Munkustrap, perhaps). Still, no one would have the guts to skip the meeting and later face Munkustrap's growl, followed by his one-hour lecture.

The toms and the queens had to sit separately, and many young cats, including Pouncival, were not too happy with this tradition.

Pouncival sat where all the toms sat, near the pile of old, dirty cardboard boxes. His eyes, however, were not focused on Munkustrap. Instead, they were set on the queen… the queen that he couldn't stop thinking about…

Etcetera was sitting with the queens, whispering excitedly with Electra. She would giggle – silently – every now and then. It was obvious that her focus was not on the meeting, but rather on the usual gossip or the events that had taken place that day. (Pouncival wished that she was talking about him. Of course, in a positive manner.)

If it wasn't for her presence, Pouncival probably would've fallen asleep. But letting his eyes concentrate on her kept him awake for thus far in the meeting.

He was always fascinated by her face, its beauty. Although from his location he could see only one of her eyes, he felt that her eyes were like the two most delicate and beautiful jewels he had ever seen. How perfectly those shining eyes represented her youth, her innocence, her beauty… It would suck him in and hold him captive…

Then her nose, and her whiskers. Those tiny whiskers, how petite yet delicate they were in their movements… It seemed that whenever she was giggling, they were giggling, too. Whenever she was smiling, they, too, would smile. They were the mirrors of whatever she was feeling that moment.

And her lips; oh, those beautiful, wonderful lips… How they seemed to never let go of his attention… _How soft they'd be, yet warm… _Pouncival thought with a warm face. _When will my lips touch her lips; when will my whiskers touch her whiskers…? When will we be able to share true feelings…_

And then he remembered about lust. He violently shook his head and woke himself up from the daydream. _No, never think lustfully, never think lustfully, never think lustfully…! _Shame swept him down like a massive ocean wave. _You know better than that!_ he scolded himself. _You know that's lust, just simple, dirty lust! Respect her, Pouncival, respect. She has dignity, you know, and you should show some dignity, too…_

Even while thinking all this, his eyes would not look anywhere else but at Etcetera's face. He felt as if her face had invisible paws that would grab onto his eyes and not let go of it.

Then, Etcetera suddenly – perhaps faster than a bullet – turned her head and looked toward Pouncival's direction. He almost jumped and immediately turned his eyes to something else. Ah, the fine tree over there! He acted as if he was busily studying the tree, identifying the twists and curls of each of the hundreds of twigs on it…

How fast his heart was running, probably fast enough to burst its way out of his body… It would run up to Etcetera and hug her, hug her tight.

He made a small smile.

A few hours later, when the stars came up only to have their masquerade covered up by clouds, Pouncival sprinted to his best friend's den.

"Tumble," he said, looking around him. "Are you here?"

"Who the hell is it?"

"It's me, Pounce. Are you angry or something?"

"Oh, oh… no… Nope. I was just… just… uhh… thinking…"

Pouncival gave him a confused shrug as he came in.

"So, why did you come, Pounce?" Tumblebrutus asked, trying to move aside a few pieces of the huge pile of mess that stretched out to every possible direction in the den.

"I… I just wanted to get some advice…"

"Oooh… yikes. I don't think I'm wise enough to give advice," he said with a frown, although his ears showed much curiosity about what the problem may be. "You should go to Old Deut' for wisdom."

"No, I'd rather tell you. Plus, you're cooler… No, wait…" said Pouncival, regretting having made such a ridiculous comment.

"Ha, you're lucky Old Deut' ain't here," Tumblebrutus said with an amused look.

"Yeah, whatever. But that's not the point…"

"What is your point, then?"

"Well…" said Pouncival, look down on the ground due to embarrassment, "… I don't think I told you before that there's a queen I like…"

"Nope. This is your first time speaking about it."

"Okay. Well… the thing is…"

"… She knows that you have a crush on her and she hates you and she wants to kill you if she sees you?" asked Tumblebrutus, smiling naughtily. Pouncival could see his teeth.

"No, no! And I hope that never happens! Please, take it seriously!"

"Alright. What is it, Pounce…?"

"Well… I mean, I think things are going okay with her. I mean, we're friendly and all that… but… but… You see, I don't think I'm getting anywhere…"

"What do you mean by that…?"

"Like… Everything's going good and all that and it's like we'd be perfect as friends… But that's not what I want to be with her, you know. It's more than a desire to be friends. It's… it's… a crush, and I feel like no progress is being made…"

"Pounce, you're not being unthankful, are you…?"

"Of course not! I _am_ thankful that she and I got here so far! But… I want to go deeper… I want… something more…"

"Like a relationship?" said Tumblebrutus.

Pouncival nodded, his face red with shame. "I mean, obviously, yes. It's a crush. Yes, a relationship…"

"So, why do you think it's not making progress?"

"I mean… Tumble, I don't know what I should do next. I got to the friendship part, but now I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong move! It seems… so fragile to me. I want her to make the first move, and I know I sounded like a jerk when I said that, but I don't think that'll happen at this rate. Look, I want something to happen! I just don't want the thing to be stuck here…!"

"Are you saying that you and Etcetera are 'stuck' and not going anywhere?"

"Exactly!"

"Let me tell you something, Pounce. A small friendship is better than just nothing."

"Oh, don't try to sound like Munkustrap!"

"I'm serious, Pounce. To you, it may seem like it takes forever to make progress, but meanwhile, I'm sure the friendship is deepening. And as the friendship deepens, you two will get closer. And then, it'll be easier to make that first move."

"But…"

"Pounce, it's never going to be as fast as you want. It's a good thing that it's taking time. We want the base of the relationship to be stable and solid, right?"

Pouncival simply shrugged. _Why does no one understand the shit I'm trying to say?_ he thought.

**I hope I'm not making it seem like I'm dragging the story too much! I really appreciate comments and criticism. Thank you! :)**


	7. Marionette

_I must start doing… something._

He felt angry. Angry about himself. Angry about his friends. Maybe… somewhat angry about her. How warm the afternoon felt was no encouragement for him. The cool breeze wouldn't make him feel better. The new day was simply filled with pure anger so far.

_Why do I never act with guts? Why do I never act like a tom? Why am I never brave enough to act? And why do my friends never know what the hell I'm feeling? Jem… What's her problem? Does she think she's so wise? Does she think she's so much wiser than me? And Tumblebrutus! I thought he – at least, he – would give me some good advice! But, no! He, too, is acting like he knows everything. Arrogant… And also, Etcetera! Oh…_

He sighed. It was as if there was a shield in his mind to block off any complaints about that queen. _Oh, Etcetera… What can I say about you…_

As if it was the perfect timing, Etcetera passed by. "Oh, hey, Etcy!" he said, smiling innocently. He felt overwhelmingly ashamed within.

Etcetera looked at him. "Oh… hey," she said. Pouncival immediately noticed something unpleasant. Her smile wasn't her usual, gigantic smile. It was something… more limited. A smile… with some components of a frown. _Is… she… mad or something…? Is it about… me…? Oh, it's all my fault…_

He felt like a hypocrite. A few seconds ago, he was about to judge her in his mind; now, his feelings seemed to depend on the size of her smile… as if he was some kind of a marionette held by her. Yet she wouldn't know that she was the puppeteer of the marionette…

_ Is she tired today? Is that why…?_ Hoping so, he looked up. She wasn't too far away. On her face, there was no sign of lacking energy; her enthusiasm had returned, and as usual, she was chattering time away with her friends. She seemed… happy. Nothing seemed to be abnormal. It was just him. It was just him who was unhappy, isolated from the others, isolated from everyone he knew… Just him who felt unhappy.

He had never felt so lonely before.

He felt a tap on his right shoulder. Annoyed, he violently turned around, his claws tight.

"Now, what the hell is wrong with _you_? Are you trying to have a fight with me, huh, Pounce?" Tumblebrutus scolded him.

"Oh… Uhh… Well…" Pouncival desperately tried to grab a plausible excuse from the air.

"You don't seem very happy today," Tubmlebrutus commented.

Pouncival nodded bitterly. He pointed at the queen.

"Oh. I see. Well… I'm not sure how I can help you right now, to be honest…" Tumblebrutus said, almost mumbling. He quietly walked over to Etcetera.

_Well, maybe, Tumblebrutus may make it seem less awkward…_ Hoping so, Pouncival, too, walked over.

"Hey, guys…" the young tom said, rather inarticulately. Tumblebrutus gave back a usual greeting; Etcetera let out an unenthusiastic smile. Almost all of Pouncival's courage seemed to disappear due to her silence, but he decided to push forth, anyway. "How are you guys doing? Fine weather, huh?" he asked, trying to sound as natural and normal as he could.

"I'm doing fine. And yes, indeed, the weather is great…" Tumblebrutus answered. Etcetera just nodded.

Pouncival then had the sudden urge to do what he considered would grab her attention. It was an immature urge indeed, but he couldn't manage to control it…

"Hey, guys, I've got a funny joke: Why did the cat cross the street?" Pouncival said, trying to deny how nonsensical he sounded.

Etcetera shrugged and looked at Tumblebrutus, who shrugged back. _You're gonna feel pretty screwed up, Pounce…_ he thought, giving him a smile of early sympathy.

Pounciaval nervously waited for an answer. When only silence answered him, he felt that he was stuck in a deep pit… a very deep, muddy pit…

"Uhh… Well… I guess you guys don't know. Well, it's because he felt like it! Get it? Do you get it? Oh…" Pouncival was cut short… by his own consciousness.

Etcetera rolled her eyes and gave an unpleasant face that clearly showed how annoyed she was. Her precise facial expression became a dagger and shoved its way through Pouncival's chest, reaching the other side, torturing every part of him…

"Uh… ok…" he muttered. The world in front him seemed to turn white. His mind started to spin within his head. Almost losing balance, he turned around and started walk away. His tried to quell down his urge to vomit.

His slow walking turned into an angry sprinting… He tried to deny what just happened; he tried to convince himself that this was a dream, just a dream, just a nightmare, nothing more, nothing in reality…

His face was red… His teeth were clenched… His body was shaking… with anger and embarrassment…

He crept under an old, decaying chair and slumped down. The front of the chair was covered by a dirty, somewhat-torn blanket. He peeked through where the blanket was torn… and saw what he was separated from…

Etcetera was laughing again; her young smile had returned. Tumblebrutus was right next to her, and he, too, was laughing. They seemed… so natural to be together. Nothing had to be done to keep them close…

"Oh, Tumble, what a silly thing for you to say…!" Etcetera said, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder.

"No, I'm serious, Etcy! It really happened!" Tumblebrutus replied. "I'm not even joking!"

"Well, you're just being obnoxious, that's all!" she said jokingly, her eyes directly in front of his eyes.

"Well, you're crazy! What's worse? Obnoxious or crazy?" Tumblebrutus said back, maintaining his eye contact with her. He, too, had a large smile.

His comment was quite a shock to Pouncival. _If I call Etcetera crazy, she'd hate me forever! But when Tubmlebrutus says it, she knows it's a joke and laughs! Why are things so tense between her and me, while things are so natural between her and Tumble? Is there something that he has that I don't have? Why is nothing awkward between her and Tumble, while I always have to be the one who starts the conversation between her and me? What am I… to her?_

He saw the two cats hugging. Pouncival knew that it was just friendship and nothing more, but even that…

Pouncival felt something that he didn't feel for a long time. Although Tumblebrutus was his friend, and although he should've wanted the best for him…

He felt jealous.


	8. Couldn't Answer

"Ready or not, here I come!"

The kittens excitedly giggled and scattered in various directions. They would try to find the perfect locations that would hide their small, fragile bodies from head to tail.

Pouncival was usually the most skillful in this game, and this would usually bring about the displeasures of many other kittens. But today, both his body and soul would not permit him to go out and participate.

He groaned. A small yet rather unpleasant groan in a dark den.

He felt like the small pebble that lived on any normal street side. For the pebble, every minute would be a struggle to survive. When cars pass, the pebble would feel the pain with all of its body. When raindrops start to fall down, the pebble would look desperately for a shelter but would fail every time. Sighing at the failure, it would bitterly receive the harsh raindrops at the lowest point on the ground. When pedestrians walk by, it would reach out for help, only to be met with feet cruelly stepping on it – or, in other cases, being kicked to a totally different world.

He couldn't draw the exact parallel between that poor pebble on the street side and himself, but he felt that an appropriate connection could be made. Somewhere, within his mind, within his heart, he would feel an understanding – or maybe, sympathy – toward that certain pebble.

Reaching out yet being denied… To the pebble, and him… Every day was not an anticipation of joys, but of…

Pouncival shook off the thought. Such idea was a blasphemy to the peace he was trying to achieve in his heart. He sighed heavily and leaped outside.

The clouds had covered up the sun, but the outside was still more than enough to blind him for a few seconds. Gradually, his sight came back… and he saw.

There was a blue-gold outline of a cat… a queen, probably…

_Could it be… could it be…?_

He could see the whiskers, the whiskers… _It is her… It is…_

"Ready or not, here I come!" she shouted, not noticing the tired tom.

_ Should I… should I…? _Slowly, without making any objection to what he was doing, he slowly walked up to her… _Maybe this time… _Being half-awake certainly allowed him more courage.

"H… hey, Etcy. How are you today…?" he asked, giving a sleepy smile. His eyes were trying to decide between completely opening or closing to enjoy a sloth-like slumber.

"Oh… uh… hey. Wait one sec', Pounce. I gotta go find them." Without looking back, she started to sprint toward a certain direction.

_Of course… _At this point, Pouncival felt that he could almost call himself a stoic tom. Whatever reaction that she had… it would not matter to him. It was as if a barrier, a barrier of immunity, had been built around him… He felt safe in that barrier, and he realized that he had almost no desire to break that barrier. He felt comfortable in there… in his comforts and justifications… _Forget the pebble, whatever… I can control my own emotions… I'm not that weak…_

Step by step, he dragged himself to the side of the old tire and sat down. Like any other days, having lost his energy already and sitting, watching other cats enjoying their days…

_I am not part of their smiles; I am not part of their everyday joys…_

He felt a sharp pain in his left ear.

"Oh, shit!" he cried. He jumped and looked back to see the cat who blew in his ear.

"Heehee, sorry," Rumpleteazer said, looking down rather apologetically yet still with a naughty smile.

"Teazer! Why did you have to do that!"

"Oh, I was just bored and all…"

"Uggh! You're grown up and all that but you act like a kitten or something! Look, I'm not feeling very well these days, so please don't add another annoyance to my life…!" Pouncival screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing at Rumpleteazer's face. It was then when he realized how far he went with losing his patience.

"Oh… Pounce… I'm sorry…" she said, almost inaudibly; this time, there was a true look of apology on her face. She tried not to make eye contact with the young tom, and for a moment, it seemed as if Pouncival was an older cat scolding an immature kitten.

He rolled his eyes. _Etcetera hates me, and now Rumpleteazer. Great. The whole tribe should hate me soon._ He remembered how he considered himself stoic only a few minutes ago. He realized that that was only a hypocritical lie.

"But… Pounce, can I just stay here for a while? I don't have anything else to do right now…"

"Sure, whatever," he answered, sighing as if he didn't care. But a certain thought then came upon him… _What if… I tell her about what's going on and get some advice…?_

It seemed like he had nothing to lose if he did so. He covered his face with an invisible mask to hide all personal embarrassments or humiliation. "Look, Teazer; I have something going on in my life, and I really feel stressed about that. And that's why I kinda exploded on you."

"Sure. Pounce, I understand. So, what is it? Maybe… I can help you…"

"Well… First of all, promise me what we talk about here will stay here," Pouncival said.

"I promise," Rumpleteazer replied.

"Alright. Teazer, did you ever have a crush?"

"Oh, lots of times!"

"Well, can you tell me about one memorable time?"

"Let's see. Well, to be frank, I can't even remember the name of the tom I had the crush on! Ha, it's kinda pathetic, isn't it? But I guess it just shows me how it doesn't matter anymore."

Pouncival raised up his eyes from the ground and looked at her. "What do you mean…?"

"I mean… Wait. First, one thing: Is it a crush you're stressed about?" she asked.

"Well, yeah… That's why I'm asking you…"

"Okay. By the way, are you going to tell me the name of your crush?"

"I… I'd rather not, Teazer…"

"Alright. That's fine. But, to make a long story brief, I just want you to know it doesn't matter too much. I know how it feels when you have certain feelings for a cat but that cat doesn't answer back. But still… you have your own life. I feel like I've wasted so much time on stupid things, you know? And I'm not calling your crush situation stupid, but it's still… important to move on…"

"But… I can't just give her up!" Pouncival cried. He somewhat regretted having opened up the conversation. _I don't want to hear your freakin' lecture!_ he shouted in his heart. Lectures from Jemima and Tumblebrutus were enough.

"I know you don't want to give her up, Pounce. But when things get way over your control, there is no need to push too much. It will hurt both you and your crush. Someday soon, you'll have to make that decision about the crush. To keep on going, or to just call it a nice try and move on…"

"But how can I make that decision?" he asked.

"I don't know, but I think you first have to ask yourself whether you truly, truly love her. Pounce, why do you like her?"

"Well… she's really cute, and she's pretty, and… uh…"

"Is that it, Pounce? Just beauty?"

"Well… I mean, she's also kind, I guess… you know… Alright, I admit. It's more about the physical part."

"You're very honest, Pounce. But let me break something for you. How far do you think a relationship based on physical attractiveness will go?"

"Teazer, are you trying to make me feel like a jerk?" Pouncival said, quite irritated at her question.

"No, I'm just trying to help your make the right decision. Do you think it's worth it, to stress yourself for such crush? Do you really call it… love?"

"Teazer, you're insulting me. If you have nothing more to say, please just… go away. You're no different than Tumble."

"Pounce, but let me ask you one more question: What's the point of this whole crush-thing? Do you really think… it's worth it? To me, my crushes of my kitten days don't matter anymore. I forgot about them. To you… would it matter when you become a grown-up…?"

At this, Pouncival couldn't answer.


	9. Consciousness

When he woke up the next day, he could hear the distant, roaring thunder in his half-asleep condition. His view may have been half-covered by his still-present sleepiness, but the sound of the thunder was clear to his ears.

He stepped outside and took a breath in. His body immediately tensed up, and a small thrill traveled through his body. Ah, a rainstorm was near.

He loved rainstorms. Or rather, he loved the moment right before the rainstorm. The gray clouds, the distant thunders, the winds making the tree leaves rustle… all in preparation for the rainstorm to come; the pleasant guest that will feed and nurture any plant out there… Of course, the ground would become a filthy mess of mud, but he didn't mind. He would, if he had enough energy, jump around and throw himself into the mess… And unlike all other cats, who hated water touching their bodies, he would welcome all raindrops onto his body and let them trickle down through his fur…

He looked up to the dark, gray sky. The sky was a wonder to him, the great blanket covering the land…

"I will," he said to himself quietly, making sure that only he heard his voice, "I will…"

_I will… what? _

He had to make a decision. He had to do something… do something like a tom. Because he was a tom. Because he had to prove to himself that he was tom. Because he was going to die of shame if he didn't do anything… at this moment. He had enough.

"I had enough…!" he shouted, although his mouth wasn't fully open. _Yes, I had enough… I did… _

_ I will go to Jem today. I will ask for advice. If she's unhelpful again and does not give me any good advice, I will end it… end the crush. That's it. That's my decision. I will end it, clean and clear. And I'll be free…_

* * *

"Jem, can I come in?"

"Oh, Pounce… uhh, hi. It's been some time since you came over…"

"Yeah, I know. But can I still come in…?"

"Uhh… sure… why not…"

Again, the usual process of finding his or her own seat.

"Jem, I feel like I came to the end of the road. I had so many conversations and advices and all that with so many cats… but I don't feel satisfied. I want you… to let my road continue… Please, Jem… you have to tell me what to do…"

"Pounce… That's a heavy burden you're putting on me…"

"Jem… do you know how everything feels to me right now? Even when there's something good going on, I can't feel the joy. There's a stormy cloud in my heart that blocks out everything…"

What a perfect timing it was. A great thunder roared; both cats jumped. They could hear the first raindrops touching the ground.

"Pounce… just… free yourself from it…"

"Easy to say that! If I were trying to be friends with her or something, it'd be already over by a whole mile! But it's not just a friendship thing! And you know that, Jem… And that's why I came… again…"

Jemima gasped; a memory violently knocked on the door of her heart.

* * *

_"Really, Jem, I'm glad that there's someone who likes me and treats me so nicely, but there's nothing more I want with him other than becoming friends with him…"_

_ "But isn't he… kinda cute…?" Jemima said. When she realized that she was trying to persuade her best friend for Pouncival's side, more shame conquered her heart._

_ "Sure, he is cute, but that's not the only thing I want. You know, these days, I sometimes have a wild desire in my heart… a desire for the special cat… a special tom… the tom who I don't know yet. But for now… for now… I want to keep that a mystery. I think that if I go too fast with anyone, things will start to crack here and there."_

* * *

Her breaths became rapid. Her body started to shiver. A great needle seemed to be going up her heart. Her panting became rougher every second.

"Jem, Jem… you alright…?" Pouncival asked, worried that he might have been the source of her unexpected panic.

"I… I… don't… don't… know…"

"Look, you look like you've seen a ghost or something…"

"I… I… I think I'm just stressed or something… it… it… happens sometimes…" Jemima replied, trying to catch her breath.

"Jem, here…" Pouncival said, letting Jemima's shivering head rest on his chest. "Jem, it's alright. Chill. I don't know what's happening exactly… but… here, close your eyes… relax…"

She closed her eyes.

Geometric shapes of unrecognizable names flew here and there on the dark canvas of her mind. The shapes then came together and glowed for a second – an orange-yellow glow at the edge – and slowly disappeared, flickering with a scarlet light. Then, bright red stars appeared and shone an intense light. The stars then grew bigger and bigger… and engulfed her like a tidal wave… and…

She tried to open her eyes, but no matter how hard her effort, they wouldn't.

_Why am I here…? Why am I shivering…? Wh… why am I so worried… about something I don't know…?_

"I'll tell you what's happening," said a voice in her heart. She immediately recognized that it was her own consciousness, speaking to her… Herself speaking to herself…

"You've been through all this, yet you don't get why you're all panicking and stuff. I'll tell you the reason. It's because you're stuck," the consciousness said.

Jemima felt frightened, but nodded in her mind. "Yes… I do feel stuck… but I don't know how exactly and why…"

"You're stuck between them, the two. Pouncival and Etcetera. You know what's going on…" the consciousness replied.

Jemima shook her head.

"You know you want to help both, but it's not working, is it?"

Jemima shook her head again.

"Remember the time when Etcetera told you that she doesn't want to be anything more that friends with Pouncival?"

She nodded.

"Remember how that night, you went outside and decided… that you'll respect her feelings and that you'll have only friendship link her and Pouncival, nothing more?"

She nodded. She could remember that night. How she then fell asleep on the middle of the ground, how Munkustrap carried her back in his warm chest…

"Well, you thought you made a wise decision. A compromise between the two. That you'll help them be together through only friendship. A compromise. Because you wanted to help them both. Because both of them are your friends. And you thought you were so wise. But a few seconds ago, your last hope of clinging to that compromise broke."

_Broke, broke, broke…_

"What do you mean…" Jemima asked, shivering.

"You know what I'm saying. Although you decided on that 'compromise,' you have always been stressed even so… since you knew that the compromise wouldn't satisfy both of them. Her want – or half of a want – for a friendship and his want for a relationship… They don't go together, do they? And you felt that you somehow had to perform an impossible magic to satisfy the two, while you knew that it was impossible to do so."

Jemima didn't do anything else but nod.

"So when Pouncival came in and asked for your advice, and when you were suddenly reminded of what Etcetera told you about him, all of that stress – no matter how hard you tried to hide it within your small, weak heart thus far… It all broke down. If you satisfy one cat, the other will leave you."

"But I never felt really stressed about it recently… or I don't think…" Jemima said in great distress.

"Liar. You little liar. You tried desperately so that the stress would not become a thought, 'cause you knew that it would torture you. You tried desperately to keep it out of your mind, and you gave yourself the illusion that your mind was at peace. You were fooled by your own lie. But the problem still stuck around in your heart, didn't it? You tried to ignore it, but it was always there. Always trying to swallow you… to eat you alive… and today, it won."

Jemima tried to scream, but she couldn't. First, her throat didn't allow her to; second, she had to admit that everything that her consciousness had said was correct, errorless… If this was the case, then why not try to get wisdom… from her own consciousness…?

"So… Look," Jemima said. "You have to tell me what to do now. Alright, I admit it; I'm stuck between helping Etcy or Pounce. One wrong step and one of them – or both of them – would kill me. I admit that I lied to myself and tried to convince myself that the 'compromise' would solve it all. But… but… it's screwed up now, and I'm screwed up. I'm afraid I'll get even more screwed up from here. Look, you gotta tell me what to do. If… if… you were so wise enough to tell me all of this, you should at least give me directions on how to act from here… You know I love them both, you know they are my precious friends, you know I don't want to let them go… You know all these…"

The consciousness smiled and started to fade away.

"No, don't go! Please, not yet!" she cried.

The consciousness disappeared into the dark. She was now alone.

"No… don't go… Please…! I don't know what to do. I don't think I can deal with all of this… I don't know anything…"

She was left alone… in her own mind… Alone in her own self…

* * *

**Please, read and comment! Thank you to all of you who had been reading so far! I really appreciate comments and criticisms! :)**


	10. What About Me?

** Cocobutterrox/ Thank you for your comment! Luck never seems to be on his side, does it? I thank you for always reading my chapters and commenting! :)**

* * *

She opened her eyes. The colors of reality rushed into her two eyes. She looked around and realized that Pouncival was gone.

She put a paw on her heart: Beating at an unimaginable speed. She then raised her paw up to her neck and felt it; instead of the usual dryness of her soft fur, she felt cold sweat. The cool air would meet her sweat and she would shiver very much; she would feel for a quick moment as if she was in the middle of a bitterly cold field while there was a blizzard roaring.

Jemima then remembered of the "conversation" that she had with "her consciousness" a few minutes ago. It was like a dream, something blurry, yet the memory of it was clear; it seemed no less than a reality. Yes, it was a reality; it did indeed happen, somehow…

_I guess… it really happened…_

Yet she still couldn't believe it. The concept of her consciousness revealing everything to her seemed so mystical to her, something so unreal… A reality with the texture of a dream, yet without becoming the dream itself…

_Do I really know… more than what I think I know…?_

Suddenly, she felt so small and weak compared to everything around her. The normal, everyday objects around her turning into something dark, something evil, fiends… They all seemed to gather around her and look at her with evil eyes…

Jemima, unable to make any big movement at this point, slowly raised up her blanket and hid under it. It was a cowardly, immature way to escape from something frightening, certainly a kittenish way, yet she always found comfort in it before. It would work today, for sure. It would be embarrassing to tell others that she still did it, hiding under a blanket, but it would always work.

But today, it didn't work.

* * *

Pouncival sat in his own den, his eyes closed tight. He would not let a single line of light come through; no, that was too big of a distraction to his meditation…

_Well, I said I would have an end to the crush if she doesn't give me help… and I guess she didn't give me help… But… but… This is different…_

He sighed. How selfish and kittenish he felt to change around the vow he made earlier that day.

_I mean… yes; technically, I have to give up. But that's being way too technical. This time was different. She had some kind of a panic or something suddenly. And I can't control that. It was way beyond my paws. I'm sure she would've given me help if she didn't go into the panic thing… I'm sure that's how things would've been… I'm sure…_

Slowly, he was hypnotizing himself with such excuses… for he didn't want to let go of what he held on to for so long.

_I can't give up now… I can't turn back at this point in the road… _

"You should… you should… You know it's just lust…" whispered something in him.

_No! It's not lust…! It's not… uh… I guess… She is beautiful; Etcy is really pretty… but there's something more to it… something… uh…_

He couldn't continue. He tried to make up a reason, but he could not. _Is Teazer sending me mental messages or something?_ He remembered the conversation he had with her… only yesterday (or maybe, the day before; he couldn't grab out the dates in his mind recently).

_And I… _

Hoping for a miracle, he looked out of his den. His eyes widened when he saw a young queen running toward him in the rain. It would've been perfect if it was Etcetera. Like the climax in all fairytales, in all stories…

It was Jemima. _Oh… Better than nothing. It's good to have company…_

"Pounce, you don't need to come out. It's raining…" she said, rather loudly so that her voice could travel through the rain.

"Oh…!" Pouncival then realized that he was a step outside of his den, under the pouring rain… He hypothesized correctly that it was his anticipation for the guest whoever it would've been, that had carried him out there. He slowly stepped back into his den. "Hey… come in quick… You don't want to stand there in the rain," he said, looking back at Jemima.

She did so.

He was brushing off the rainwater from his body when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Hmm?"

"Pounce… To be frank… I'm here 'cause I'm… I'm… kinda scared…" she whispered, her face red with shame. "Can we stay close…?"

"Oh, uh… sure…" Pouncival said, giving an empty laugh to try to fill in the awkward silence. "W… why are you scared…?"

"I… I… don't know…"

"By the way, what was happening when we were at your den earlier today? Is that why you're here and hugging me…?" he asked, trying to find an explanation for his curiosity.

"Well… uh… yeah… The panic thing. Don't worry. I was just… worried and all. It just left me a little bit scared… So I decided I don't want to stay alone by myself…" she answered; the red color of shame still didn't leave her face.

"You could've gone to Etcetera's. You know; if Munkustrap finds a young tom and a young queen hugging in a den when it's close to night… he might misunderstand it and beat us up or something… Hehe… Right?" he said, trying to add some humor to the situation. (He had to admit in his mind how awkward it felt to be suddenly hugged by a fearful young queen.)

Jemima didn't laugh at his joke. Instead, she kept on tightly holding onto him, like a small kitten (although she was a kitten) would do so to his or her mother or father when the barking of a dog could be heard. Pouncival mechanically put his paw on her back and patted it gently, trying to calm her down. He then rubbed it in the shape of an oval, like his mother used to do to him; her fur was soaked from the rain.

"I… I don't know what to say… Jem… or what to think… I mean, you kinda came without warning… But you really seem… scared about something…" he whispered.

"Pounce… Just shut up and hug me tight… I'm sure the fright will go away in a few minutes…"

"Uh… okay…"

A few minutes passed so; the young queen hugging the young tom she was suppose to give advice to because she was scared… about whatever fright she felt in her own den… Meanwhile, every minute or two, Pouncival looked up to see the outside, making sure that there was no cat outside who would see this and mistake it for a shameless affair. _I'm trying to calm this cat down, suckers!_

Finally, Jemima let go of the tom and sighed. "Thanks," she said, "I need a hug sometimes…"

"We all do. Everyone does," Pouncival smiled. "Oh, uh… Before you go… You know what I'm gonna say…"

"What? I don't know what you're gonna say, Pounce…"

"You know… about… you know… her…"

"Oh, Pounce! Are you ever free from that thought?" Jemima responded, rolling her eyes.

Pouncival simply shook his head. "Please…?"

"Pounce… I can't say anything because I don't know how I can give you help…" she said, having eye contact with the ground and not him.

"Jem! I freakin' gave you a hug for like twenty minutes or something 'cause you were scared about something I don't even know, and now that's what you're saying? Come on, Jem, you know I won't be able to sleep tonight if I don't know what to do with her! I waited for long enough!" Pouncival complained.

Jemima's heartbeat started to accelerate again. "Pounce… I know it's a relationship you want with Etcy…"

"Well, duh!" Pouncival said, laughing. But he did notice that something was making Jemima feel uncomfortable, perhaps the same thing that brought her frightened to his den.

"Pounce… If it was a friendship thing, I would be able to help you… But this is too much for me. What if Etcy doesn't want a relationship?" Jemima asked, trying to be as careful as possible in what she was saying.

"Jem… you can't say that… What do you mean? You've been helping me so far…"

"I mean… You can't just think about your own wants. There's Etcy, too. What if she wants to be just friends with you? Have you considered that part…?"

"Jem… I… I thought you knew what I wanted with her… Again, I repeat, it's not just a 'friendship' thing…"

"Pounce, give me a break. Have you ever thought about Etcy's feelings?"

"Jem! You're acting as if you know exactly what she feels like! Did she like tell you something about me or something like that…?"

At this, Jemima couldn't answer. "Uh… uh… well…" she murmured. To lie in front of him would be being disrespectful to her friend. But he would rip her into pieces if she admitted that indeed, Etcetera had told her before explicitly that she does not want a relationship with him. _To lie for my own sake, or to tell the truth for truth's sake?_ Two little cats from her own mind were floating on top of her shoulders, one on the right, one on the left; usually, they were an angel cat and a devil cat, but this time, both cats were devil cats. _Where's the angel cat?_

"She… never told me. Yup, Etcy never told me about you…" she said, close to muttering. A great catharsis swept her down; a catharsis of guilt. She had never lied for a great amount of time, more than she could remember; but today, it all broke down. An arrow of guilt shot her directly in the heart; the arrow seemed as if it was sadistically enjoying the agony it was giving her.

"Well, then why are you acting like you know what Etcetera thinks?" Pouncival asked, trying his best to not put away a friendly look but also not being able to completely hide his irritation.

"I… I am her friend…" she answered.

"But that doesn't mean that you know all about what she feels…! It's her own decision, right? You and she are not one cat!" Pouncival said.

"Pounce! It's not like you know everything about her!" Jemima replied.

"But you don't know everything about her, either! Stop being so arrogant!" Pouncival said, looking directly into her eyes. He then somewhat regretted having said the last sentence.

"But you know what, Pounce? I was just trying to tell you what the other side of the story may be like! Pounce! Please! Open your eyes! It's not only you who's in this whole situation!" Jemima said, almost shouting by the end. Her patience was quickly becoming thinner and thinner.

"Jem! What's wrong with you! Stop trying to make me look stupid!"

"Pouncival!" she cried. She gasped at how she said his full name without realizing it; that didn't happen often. "Pounce! You think it's just you and her. But that's not it! I'm in it, too! I'm trying to make the best happen for you guys, and I'm sacrificing my own peace and comfort to do that! And why don't you notice that! I'm wiser than you think! I think more than what you think that I think about what you think!"

"Huh? Think about think about… what…?" Pouncival said, giving a confused face.

"Okay. Never mind what I just said. But you get my whole point! I am deeper than what you think! Just because I was mostly silent so far since your crush started doesn't mean that I didn't have a war within my mind! 'Cause I did have a war in my mind, for you and Etcy! I'm always trying to make sure it goes well, and I'd love to give you two help, but I just don't know how to! I'm not a perfect, wise guru or something! So, please! Give me a break!" And at this point, tears started to travel down from her eyes.

"Why the fuck are you crying…?" Pouncival said quietly, shaking his head.

"You… you never care about what I feel…" she said in tears. She walked out of the den without hesitating and into the pouring rain. It was black outside.

"What the fuck is wrong with her today… Is she having her period?" Pouncival said to himself, but making sure that Jemima couldn't hear.

* * *

Jemima walked as slow as a turtle in the rain, pondering on each of her steps; she couldn't distinguish between her own tears and the tears of the sky, or at least that's what the rain seemed like to her.

But she had a peculiar feeling within her… that told her that she wanted to go back. Maybe… she was the one who acted like an asshole. Maybe she should go back and apologize...

"Oh, shut up!" she cried out loud at the thought. _I'd look like a total Idiot!_ But she couldn't deny how sweet the idea of making an apology was.

_But it'd make me look even more like an asshole...!_

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**Whew! My longest chapter so far! I really appreciate those of you who are still reading, and I certainly appreciate comments and criticisms! Please, feel free to tell me what I can improve on! :)**


	11. If Only

**Cocobutterrox/ Thanks for the comment! I truly agree that many teenagers are in situations similar to Jem's. Your idea of Pounce and Jem being together does sound interesting… hmmm… Anyway, thanks for always reading the story and commenting on it! I really appreciate it! :)**

* * *

_If there's a boulder in your heart, you should remove it._

"Shut up! I'd rather live with that boulder than to embarrass myself down to the soil in front of him!" she cried out loud.

Her own heart always betrayed her, always telling her to do something she would hate to do.

_Come on, Jem… don't you think he deserves an apology from you…? You were too harsh… _Its words were like sweet honey running down from a…

"You idiot! You know nothing about how I feel!" she yelled back at her heart; she tried to ignore how ironic it felt to have said that to her own heart.

Then… silence.

When the over-abundant pour of rain decreased to mere drops coming down here and there, and when she could finally distinguish between her warm tears and the cold drops of rain…

She then felt the boulder within herself.

* * *

_If I ever meet Pounce during the day, I'd never be able to say a greeting to him. Even if I try to raise up my eyes and look at him, he would ignore me… Or worse, he may give me a nasty look… a nasty look showing how much he hates me… How I'm the discomfort to his eyes…_

_I would no longer remember the times when he and I'd have talks together, play games together, how we'd sometimes wrestle each other until one of us surrenders… All of those times… gone…_

_I'd never remember how even after an awkward conversation with him, I'd always struggle to understand what he meant…_

_I would never remember how he came to me for advice, how he trusted me; he trusted me that I'd be able to give him help… And I'd totally forget about that time long ago when he and I almost kissed – of course, just for fun – and how Munkustrap almost beat us up for that. All of those memories, gone like the morning dew… all of my memories with him… gone because of this one day…_

_Oh, if I had just shut myself up and controlled myself! Then, I'd still be in his den, maybe being hugged, or maybe just talking: All of this would've never happened! Because of those few moments… only a few minutes ago! Why was I so arrogant to him…? Why did I act like I was perfect and I had the right to teach him…? If only I had listened to him a little more closely and understood him a little better – none of this would've happened!_

_And now, the news will spread around the whole tribe – how I acted like a bitch and cried my way into the rain! And they'd all look at me with unpleasant eyes… And I'd be left alone, with no one to talk to… even Etcetera; she'd leave me, condemning me for being such a jerk…_

_But… wait…! Was it really all my fault…? I mean… he was a jerk, too, kinda… I mean, I tried my best and all but he just kept on asking for what he wanted and never cared about my feelings and…_

_Oh, shut up, shut up! It was my fault! All of it! Every aspect of it! It was my fault, 'cause I'm a bitch; it was my fault, since I was so cold-hearted and self-centered; it was my fault, 'cause I'm always like that! It's me who's always the problem! This tribe would be a better place if I wasn't here! It's all… me…!_

Jemima then heard the long howling of a dog somewhere… somewhere far, but close enough to freeze up her blood…

Her body started to tremble, breaking off of her mind's control. No, her mind was trembling, too. Her breaths became violent. She looked around in fear but realized that she was quite far away from the dens, carried away by her own tears…

Another howl.

Her heart almost stopped its beating this time. She wanted to run, run to where all the dens were, run to her dear mother, run to her friends, run to… Pouncival…

She gasped. The memory she thought she would forget was yet living within her consciousness. _That tom… I'm stuck to him… no matter what… _

Slowly, her legs started to melt, and they cautiously moved back an inch or two. Then, without any hint of hesitation, she raced back toward… toward where…?

She didn't know where, but she knew that her legs would lead her. They would lead her to where she wanted to be at the most at that very moment. She felt the filthy, slimy mud sticking to her whole body as she ran… And how tempting the idea of stopping and trying to get them off felt! But she extinguished the thought with her sense of desperation, the desperation for… for…?

Was she running away from something, or running toward something…? She didn't know.

But when she slowed down and looked up, she realized that her legs had led her to… his den.

She wanted to cuss at her own legs for giving her such an impossible task, but she also had to admit that she felt somewhat relieved by a reason she didn't know… But her own heart would've knew.

_What… go in there and say that I'm sorry or something? F… fuck you!_

She almost jumped at how she had just thought of such a blasphemous vocabulary, but at this point, she decided to push against that thought and break away, like a tough street cat…

_Look! I had enough of this innocence thing! I'm fuckin' here to fuckin' say something to him, and I don't know what the fuck I should say to that son-of-a-bitch, but I know I gotta do fuckin' something 'cause I feel like fuck right now! So what the fuck is…_

She immediately sank down to the ground when she heard another howling of a distant hound. She then realized… that all of her cussing, trying to act tough, acting strong… was all just a falsehood she created to persuade herself… persuade herself that she wasn't weak, that she could endure it all…

_But… I can't…!_

No matter what she did to try to be rough, she would always be Jemima, the young kitten, the innocent and weak, the sweet and quiet…

How humiliating it felt to be cussing in her own mind one moment and to be scared by a far-away dog the next moment… She thanked that there was no one around her, although she knew that no one could look into her mind and see what she was thinking.

Sighing and groaning and silently screaming all at the same time, she took one step closer to his den. She would've loved to give up and run back to her den, forgetting about everything that had happened… But something inside of herself blocked her from doing so… maybe the same thing that was condemning her so far…

"Look! Pounce! I'm sorry! Let… let me come in…!" she whispered, quite loudly, into the dark entrance of the den.

Silence.

If this was some other time, she would've given up. But this time, something within her became determined to bring that tom out of his den.


	12. No One's Ever Gonna Hate You

**Hey guys! I've uploaded two chapters this time, so please read the chapter right before this one first (Chapter 11) and then read this one (Chapter 12). Thanks!**

* * *

So there she stood… A small, delicate kitten in the cold night air, waiting desperately for the cat she both cared for and hated… hated for at least a few moments.

"Pounce! Look! I've thought about it all and it's all my fault!" Jemima cried out, but still within the limits of a whisper.

_Maybe… he can't hear me…_

She ran into the den – _Forget about manners and stuff! _– and looked around. She saw him cuddled up into a circle and sleeping at a corner.

She tiptoed over and tapped him on the shoulder. "Pounce… It's me… I came to say I'm sorry…"

Snore.

She then grabbed him by his shoulders and vigorously shook him. "Pounce! Wake up! My heart will kill me if we don't get this solved…!" she shouted into his ears.

Then, an irritating thought permeated into her mind. _What if… he is purposefully ignoring me… because he got so angry at what happened…?_

At that thought, she jumped onto him and gave him what was either a tight, lovely hug or a stifling half-torture. "Look! If this doesn't wake you up, then I don't know what in this world will!"

Finally, he opened his eyes. Slumber still half-dominated his eyes, which were glowing bright yellow in the dark. "Huh…? Oh… Hey, Jem… Why are you… uhh… hugging me so tight…? I thought you were angry like thunder at me or something…" he murmured.

"I was hugging you like I was gonna kill you since you wouldn't wake up! Pounce… I'm here for a reason… not because I'm bored or something…" Jemima answered.

"To beat me up…?" Pouncival replied back. Jemima became somewhat frightened at how he didn't seem like he was completely joking.

"No…! I came to… to…" she muttered. This was her last chance to retain her pride in front of him; instead of apologizing for something she wasn't even sure of, she could just act cold, harsh, keeping the whatever that appeared to her at that moment as pride…

But she decided to throw away that chance. "Look! Okay! I'm… I'm… uhh… sorry! There! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for what happened! I… I… felt like I would be living with a bloody burden if I didn't apologize, so here I am! I… I… know it's all my fault… what happened like an hour ago…"

Pouncival then stood up with a great frown on his face… perhaps the largest frown that Jemima ever saw on his face. "No… don't say that… I think it was my fault, too… I'm sure it was…"

"Shut up, Pounce! You know it was me who was being a bitch!"

"Jem! Please! Don't ever, ever say that!"

"No, I am a bitch, that's why…"

Pouncival stood there with his mouth agape. "I would never think of you as a 'bitch'; then, why would you…?" he quietly asked.

"'Cause… 'cause… I don't know!" she cried, "I… I… just don't know… But… when I was out there in the rain, I grew so afraid you'd hate me forever! That we'd never talk to each other again, all because of what I did, what I said to you!"

"Jem! Jemima! No one's ever gonna hate you! I… promise…! No one, no one will… And I frankly don't know why you are apologizing to me… It feels so awkward when I think about it! I never associate you with doing something wrong, and it feels so weird and wrong to stand here getting your apology while I'm doing nothing!"

"Pounce… you know I was selfish and all…"

"Jem… You're too hard on yourself…! You really are. You're simply the most innocent kitten we have in this tribe! Don't you… know that…?"

"Oh, you don't know me when I'm cussing and stuff…" she replied with a bitter smile.

The two soon ran out of words for sustaining the conversation. They stood in the dark, looking at each other for… what seemed to be too long to be just minutes.

"Alright, Pounce. I guess I need to go back to my den. Look. I really wish that what happened today never had happened, and it feels so… bad… when that happen between… us! And I hope we never have to shout the lungs out at each other again… Unless, you know, we're cheering for each other in a game or something."

Pouncival laughed. Jemima tried to position herself closer to him, and, putting her paws behind his neck, she tried to give what she hoped was another, happy-ending hug.

"I really meant it when I said that I never want all of this to happen again," she whispered. "Everything's… just too much for me these days…"

"Jem, stop acting so cheesy!" Pouncival said with a soft giggle. "What if the worst was yet to come? Then you'd feel so embarrassed at hugging me and all that right now!"

_What if the worst was yet to come…? _She violently shook off the thought. _No… please… don't joke around like that…_ she pleaded to him in her mind.

"Well… I mean… I hope this is it and we have a good, nice solution and I get help for… you know… ahem… her… But just in case the worst is still to come," Pouncival tried to explain.

"Oh, Pounce! How worse can it become?" she asked, hoping that the old wisdom saying that whatever spoken will become reality didn't apply in this case.

"Alright, alright…"

"Well… I guess I'll really have to go back now," Jemima sighed. She turned around and started to leave when she heard a rather sorrowful sigh behind her.

"Alright!" she cried, turning back at the speed of a tornado. "I'll help Etcy love you back… and I've a plan!"

After what wasn't even the fraction of a second, she almost suffocated at what she had just said. How that last sentence jumped out of her mouth without her even realizing it… She knew what terrible responsibilities it meant; she knew how that would stir up things even more and make everything several times murkier for her… stuck between him and Etcetera; she knew how it was ignoring what Etcy really wanted… But she said it, and its duties were now on her shoulders.

She regretted how she had let her mouth do whatever it felt like doing… But her words were outside of her body now, and there was no way to collect them back.

She looked at Pouncival. _That smile my words gave him! How it cuts me open! Those eyes of relief and hope that stab me…!_

Jemima would've punched her own mouth mercilessly if he wasn't there. Instead, she waited no more and ran out of the den.

_I'm sorry… Etcy… I know you don't what this with him, but now… I have no choice… You can blame me, but don't… blame me… _she thought with her eyes painfully shut.

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**Please, read, comment, and criticize! It's rather sad when I have only one person commenting on my story! (But you really are a great person, my friend Cocobutterrox. I really appreciate all of your comments.) :)**


	13. The Feelings of Loneliness

**Cocobutterrox/ Thanks for the comments! You always give me way more compliments than what I deserve! :)**

* * *

"Hey, Lect, what do you do on days when you feel like crap?"

"Well… You hang out with your friends, maybe," Electra answered.

"But… What if my friends are making me feel like crap…? Jemima asked back.

"Wait, Jem. Is this about me?" Electra asked, her eyes open wide.

"No… no… Of course not… But I'm just saying…" Jemima murmured awkwardly.

"Hmmm. In that case, good question. Well, if your friends are making you feel like crap, you should go hang out with other cats. Maybe… Old Deuteronomy or Munkustrap… or someone wise like that," Electra suggested.

"But they're… boring!" All Old Deuteronomy does is sit around all day and try to figure out who to send to the Heaviside Layer, and all Munk does is lecture us and enforce useless rules!" Jemima cried.

"They are cats we look up to, Jem," Electra pointed out.

Jemima then felt very ashamed about how immature she just was in her words. "But… Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't know… I just feel like crap today…"

"Do you want to… play a prank on Alonzo? It'd be interesting to see him get angry…" Electra asked with a naughty grin.

"No… We're too old for that."

"Hmm…"

Jemima looked up at the sky. The new day didn't feel like a new day at all. It was simply a painful continuation of yesterdays' troubles…

* * *

She decided that Munkustrap was the best choice for talking with; at least, for now.

"Munk… Do you mind if I come in…?" she asked with an almost inaudible voice.

"Who is it…?"

"Macavity," she joked.

"If you really are Macavity, then I'd rip you to pieces. Come in, Jem."

She did so. "But… Macavity's your brother, isn't he?" she asked, somewhat frightened by the unexpected and violent words from the protected tabby. "I thought you, Tugger, and Macavity are all brothers… Or that's what I heard, at least."

"Just because we are of the same blood doesn't mean we won't shed blood when we see each other," he answered, his teeth clenched.

"Munk… You're acting… kinda scary today…"

"I know. Sorry; it's a touchy subject for me… talking about that son-of-a… Oops. Ahem. Sorry 'bout that, too." He tried to give a smile of apology. "So… what are you here for?"

"I don't know…" Jemima shrugged. "Just to hang out with you, I guess…"

"Jem, I'm afraid I'll be busy soon. I've got a patrol to go around."

"But Munk… can we still spend a few minutes together? And maybe, I need some advice, too…"

"Sure, why not. You're one of those few cats that ever come to my place on free will," Munkustrap said, trying to hide a bitter face.

"Why…? You're not… like… lonely, are you…? Jemima asked with a frown that also showed surprise.

"Well, to be frank… And it feels very weird for me to confess this in front of a kitten, by the way…"

"Hey! I'm not _that_ young!" Jemima complained, although with a laughter.

"Alright; sure. But you _are_ a kitten! Whatever. I'll call you eighty-nine or ninety-two or …"

"Munk! I want to hear what you were going to say…"

"Oh, yes. Wait. Do… do I have to…?

Jemima nodded. "I'm not leaving unless you do."

"Fine. Uggh. Alright," he groaned. He quietly took a step closer toward the young kitten and sat down next to her. "You know… I'm not the most popular cat in this tribe…"

"Well, as long as there's Tugger…" Jemima suggested an answer.

"Oh! Forget about that trouble-filled bringer-of-bad-luck! I just feel… well…" Munkustrap hesitated.

"Munk. I kinda feel impatient now," Jemima hinted about her slight annoyance at his continuous hesitation.

Munkustrap quickly looked around to see that there were no other cats around.

"Oh, gosh! Munk! Who cares if someone is listening?"

"Alright, little queen. I surrender," Munkustrap sighed. He put his mouth by her left ear and whispered, "I feel… alone, sometimes… these days…"

The young kitten gasped. "Wait! But you're like our second leader or something! How can you feel alone?"

"I know, Jem… But it all feels useless to me sometimes. I feel like sometimes, everyone hates me for what I do: Telling them what to do, lecturing them, scolding them if they don't do things right, bossing them around…"

"But that keep everything in order!" Jemima cried. She decided not to admit to him that she called him "boring" earlier that day in from of Electra.

"I know it keeps everything in order," Munkustrap replied. "Or rather, it's supposed to. But sometimes… I just want to be like everyone else! I feel… so left out, sometimes! It's only Demeter who still understands me…"

"And me; remember," Jemima interrupted.

"Yes. You too. I'm sure you know how I feel…" the silver tabby acknowledged.

"Yup. Exactly. But I want to hear the rest of your story, first," Jemima insisted.

"Well… I feel like almost all the cats think I'm like a dictator or something… And it's too late now for me to change. No matter what I do, they always think of me with the reputation of… of being strict and all that. But that's not who I truly am! I have tears, like everyone else. I love flowers, I love to dance, and I love to have fun! I love to kiss, I love to just sing until my voice is almost loss, and I love to just take a nap, like everyone else! But you know how I can't show that now… It's too late, now…!" At this point, his eyes seemed rather wet.

"Awww, Munk! Don't cry! I'm here to get help, not to see you cry!" Jemima cried out, patting him softly on the head. "I'm sure everyone loves you and respects you in his or her own heart; and that's why they think you're strict and perfect and all…"

"I wish," he whispered.

"I'm sure…" she whispered back. "Here, this'll make you feel at least a hundred times better…"

She gave him a small kiss on top of his nose.

"Awww, Jem… Thanks… You're just a sweet flower, aren't you? Maybe, you should take my job," he chuckled, "so that this tribe will become a warmer, sweeter place… like you…"

"No, I'd rather not have your job. If I did, I'd feel even more like crap than right now!"

Munkustrap's ears stood up. "What do you mean by that?"

"I feel… alone, too… just like you…" the kitten answered softly.

"But… You know you have many, many friends…"

"I do… But… Sometimes, they all have different wants, and I feel I can't help them with all their needs. So I feel… useless sometimes; I feel sometimes like they all hate me because of that…"

"Hey! That's bull… uh… bullcrap!" Munkustrap shouted. "No one will ever hate you!"

"Pounce said that yesterday."

"Oh, is this about Pouncival? Do you have a crush on him…?" the protector tabby grinned.

"No! Why would I? Wait, never mind. I take that back. But no, I don't have a crush on him. The thing is… I… I… promised him something, but if I keep that promise, I'll make another friend upset…" Jemima explained.

"Can you tell me what the promise is…?"

"Do I have to?"

"I'd appreciate it. I mean, I told you my secret, so why shouldn't you?" Munkustrap asked.

"Well… will you keep it a secret? I'll really need you to be quiet about this…" Jemima asked.

"Sure. You can trust me with secrets! I'm like… a walking storage of secrets!" he assured her.

She laughed at the metaphor. "Alright. So here's what's happening. Pounce has a crush on Etcetera, who's also my friend. I tried to help things go well for both of them so far, but yesterday, Pounce and I kinda had an argument… but we eventually apologized and it all seemed to be sweet and cheesy and good and all. The thing is… I then promised him – suddenly, without even realizing – that I'd help Etcy love him back… you know, like a relationship… but I know that Etcy doesn't want a relationship with him since she and I had a talk about toms. I mean… So far, I tried to help them become good friends, not lovers, kinda as a compromise between what Pounce wants and what Etcy wants… But because of that stupid promise I made yesterday, and I don't know what was in my mind, I'm now forced to help them become lovers. Munk… I'm stuck in all this mess…"

"Jem… Do you know if Pounce really loves Etcy…?"

"I mean… I don't know… But one thing I know is that Pounce likes Etcy due to how pretty she is. You know, physical attractiveness. And I know that's not true love. Pounce acts like it is, but I know it's probably not. They'd be so much better off just as friends! And now, I need to help him for something I don't even agree on! Look! I want to help him be happy, but for something that he'll really be happy about, not for something he'll mishandle in like, a few days! And I want to help Etcy, too, but I can't anymore…!"

She broke into tears and pushed herself into Munkustrap's warm body. This made him lose balance and fall backwards… with a crying Jemima on top of him. He always landed on his feet whenever he lost balance, but not when there was a crying kitten clinging on to him!

"Jem… Jemima… Why should I say for you…" he muttered, shaking his head, looking down at the poor kitten.

* * *

**Thank you all for reading so far! Please, comment and criticize! I really appreciate all comments and criticisms! :)**


	14. On You

**Cocobutterrox/ Thank you for your comments! :) I always really appreciate your comments! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own CATS!**

* * *

The two didn't let out any words for several minutes. Just… silence. Then, Munkustrap finally opened his mouth to speak.

"I think that right now, you probably need something more than words, not just words… But I don't know what I should do for you…" Munkustrap said to the kitten who was still not letting go of him.

She didn't respond.

"Jem… Then may I ask you one question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you promise Pounce such thing…? If you knew what you wanted and what you didn't… then why…?" he asked, not to calm her down but simply of pure curiosity.

"I… I don't know! It… it… was my mouth that just let it out, 'though I wouldn't have made such a promise if I was in a correct state of mind! I made the promise… 'cause all I was looking at was the few seconds in front of me, not the whole trouble it'll bring forth! Oh, Munk… I'm an asshole… I really am…"

"Jem, your language really got strong these days. Did Macavity kidnap you or something and teach you all these things…?"

She shook her head. "I'm… I'm… sorry… Am I in trouble…?"

"No, you're not. But from now on, make sure your mouth doesn't act with a mind of its own… whether it's about a promise, or profanity, or whatever…" he said, wiping away the tears from the kitten's eyes. "You're a very pure kitten, both in your actions and your heart. But we have to make sure that what you say stays innocent, too…"

"I… I"ll try, Munk… By the way, I'm sorry if I'm crying too much…"

"To cry often may mean that you're weak, but it also means that you're pure. So… be proud of it," he assured.

"But… now, your chest fur is all wet from my tears! It's unpleasant, isn't it?" Jemima asked worriedly, not being able to look up at the tom.

"No, it's like… having a bath, right?" he answered. The two laughed.

"So… what should I do with the promise I made with Pounce? I mean… I can't just _not_ keep it…" Jemima asked, her temporary laugh now completely taken away by the dark clouds of reality.

"Well… I know that you're in a tough position, and there's no way going around. But, from what I've been through… Well… I think the best thing to do is to just keep the promise," Munkustrap sighed.

"But… but Etcy will hate me for that! I won't lose Pounce, but I'll lose Etcy!"

"But, Jem, if you don't keep the promise, you'll keep Etcy but lose Pounce. I won't lie about this, Jem; either way, you're screwed. But for your own honor, and for the sake of honesty, I think you should keep the promise."

"I guess… that's the only choice I have…" Jemima murmured.

"No, you have many choices. However, there is probably only one _best_ choice," Munkustrap corrected.

The kitten sighed. "I can't believe I'm suffering so much for those few minutes I was foolish in!"

"We all have moments like that. Regretting about what happened already, what already passed, something that we can't fix or do anything about… But you see, we are living in the present, not the past. At least, that's what we should be doing. Now, it's your time to act and show how wise you can be. Keep your promise with Pounce, but do the best you can for Etcy. Chances are, one of them will later explode on you, but we never know; a miracle may happen."

"A miracle…?" asked Jemima, rolling her eyes.

"A miracle. I don't guarantee it, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Who knows? Maybe Etcy will change her heart and get to like Pounce," the protector tabby replied.

_A miracle…? _thought Jemima. She knew that it was impossible, but she couldn't manage to push away a part of her heart which yearned for a miracle to happen.

* * *

"Psst. Pounce, come here."

"Hmm?" The young tom looked around confusedly to see who was calling him.

"It's me, Jem. I'm right here," she whispered.

"Oh." He realized that his friend was sitting under a decomposing night table and joined her there.

"Good. Anything exciting going on?" Jemima asked.

"Of course! The promise you made for me! I'm really pumped up about the plan you have for me… and, for Etcy, of course…"

Jemima sighed. _Of course he didn't forget…_

"Alright, Pounce. So… here's the plan. Listen carefully." She noticed how his ears suddenly perked up.

"Tell me, quick, Jem, before someone comes."

"I will. Alright; here's the deal. Right after this, I'll go to Etcy and persuade her to meet you at your den tonight. There, you two can work together to get rid of the barriers between you two. You should tell her what you feel about her, what she means to you, _et cetera_…"

Pouncival gave her a lost look. "Wait. It's that simple? Your plan?"

"What did you expect? That's all I have for you, Pounce. The special thing about the plan is that… it totally depends on you. On what you do. If you act and speak wisely in front of her, and keep your senses, then this can be the special night of your life. Okay, never mind. That sounded rather inappropriate. But you know what I mean. Act smart. But, if you decide you'll just lose your senses and act like you're drunk, then she may hate you forever. That's what's both good and bad about this plan. You take total responsibility of what you do, and there are endless possibilities. Let's just hope that tomorrow morning, we meet each other with a smile, with good news to tell each other…"

"I hope. Oh, but I don't know what I should really do in front of her! What should I say? It'll be probably be the most awkward day of my life!" Pouncival cried.

"So… you don't want all this?" Jemima asked.

"No! I don't mean that. It's just… Give me some tips on what I should do," Pouncival said.

"Well… Just be yourself. Don't try too much to look cool or anything. Even I would hate to see a tom do that. Just have humor, be warm, be sweet, ask how she's doing, ask if anything interesting is going on in her life; just do something. Don't just sit there with an awkward look on your face. This is your opportunity, Pounce. Use it. Make sure you don't do something you'll regret later on."

"Go on," Pouncival said, nodding.

"And also, don't get too near her. I mean, be close like friends, but don't get too close. That'll ruin everything that you've worked for. Just talk about things that you both like; just act chill and like friends. Don't let her see that you're panicking or anything. Just… chill. And, when the right time comes, tell her how special she is to you, what she is to you, all those sweet, cheesy stuff. If she purrs or anything, great. If she acts kinda cold, just smile and act like it's okay. She may not want to reveal her emotions at first, so just keep that in your mind."

"Anything else, Jem, that I need to know?" Pouncival asked.

"I think that's it. Remember, Pounce, everything that you did for her, and everything that I did for both you and her… They all depend on you tonight. Don't do anything stupid. _Please _don't do anything you'll regret. Act like the whole tribe is watching you. Act like I'm there."

"Oh, can't you be there with me? So that things go smoothly and all?" Pouncival said, almost pleading on his knees.

"No! Be a tom, Pounce! If I'm there, she'll realize that I've been helping you all the way so far, and she'll hate me. Then, things will really get bad. End of our friendship. Boom. End of our worlds. So… Pounce, just… act with wisdom. You'll be fine if you do. If you don't… well, you'll be killing yourself, me, and perhaps, Etcy, too."

Pouncival simply nodded. "Alright. I hope I can remember all this. You really gotta go persuade Etcy really well. Just tell her that I want to hang out together with her as friends, you know, just chill. And Jem… I gotta admit, overall, I wouldn't have gotten here without your help!" With that, he hugged his friend with a small kiss on her cheek.

"Oh, you creep!" Jemima joked, laughing. "Just… make sure you hold up my reputation and yours. I know I said this like a thousand times today, but I'll say it one more time: Everything really depends on you tonight. On you."

"On me…" Pouncival said to himself.

"Yes. On you…"

* * *

**Please, comment and criticize! Tell me what you think! :)**


	15. For Me

**Jemidancer2011/ Thank you for your comment! Cocobutterrox has suggested the idea of Jemima and Pouncival being together, too, but I guess we'll have to see how it goes. :)**

**Cocobutterox/ Thank you! I hope you had a safe trip! :)**

**I apologize about the very late update. I'll do my best to keep the story going from now on.**

* * *

Slowly, hesitating on each step, Jemima stepped over to the small cluster of cats – perhaps of four or five – by the tire. She could see Electra chattering enthusiastically like a morning bird.

Jemima sighed. _I have no choice Etcy… Just don't put all the blame on me…_

"Oh, hey, Jem! We were just talking about…"

Electra, laughing, immediately covered up Etcetera's mouth with her paw to prevent any more words from coming out.

"No, not that part, Etcy!" she said, almost shedding tears from her laughter.

On other days, Jemima would've excitedly started a small inquiry on what this recent gossip was about, but the exhaustion of both her body and mind today did not allow her to do so. Instead, she gave a polite smile and sat down. Focusing her eyes on a small, grayish rock in the dirt, she waited for a break in the endless chatter.

"Gosh, I can't believe he actually–"

"I know, right? I'm like–"

"Like, I would never–"

"Well, I would–"

_All the useless, pointless matters_, Jemima thought with a bitter smile. _How can you guys get excited over _that_?_

"Jem, are you alright?"

She, at the speed of a cat jumping out from water, sat up and looked around like an alarmed sparrow.

"It's me, Jem. Are you alright today? You look like you saw ten pollicles or something…" Etcetera said with eyes of concern.

"Uh… yeah… uh… I'm… I'm fine…" Jemima murmured.

"Well, you seem a bit quiet today…"

"No… I'm good… You guys know I'm usually this quiet…"

"It's just that you look _too_ quiet today, Jem. Anyone could see and notice," Victoria replied.

The group, instead of returning to their gossip, let an air of awkward silence dominate in the middle for a minute or two. Soon realizing that this was her chance, Jemima opened up her mouth to speak…

"Hey, uh… Etcy, are you… busy… or something… tonight…?" she asked, much more hesitant than what she had expected herself to be.

"Hmm. Well, not really. All I've got for tonight is time," Etcetera answered with a curious shrug.

"And, gossip," Exotica added, "which we'll never run out of." The whole group laughed, except for Jemima, who remained silent.

"So, why do you need me tonight?" Etcetera asked.

"I mean… well…" _Just say it, just let it out! There's no good with keeping the silence for eternity!_ her consciousness demanded of her.

"Well, it's because… uh… Pounce wants to see you," Jemima finally let it break; she concluded it with a sigh. It was perhaps the greatest feeling that she had ever felt in a very long time, to have let out what she had hid for so long; at the same time, she also couldn't deny of the another extra ton of worries that was just dumped onto her consciousness.

"Wait. Did you say that Pounce wants to see me? Pouncival wants to see me tonight? But… why would he want that…?" asked Etcetera, puzzled.

"You see… He wants to talk to you about something…" Jemima replied, unable to stay still in one place. She kept looking around, as if trying to find a hole to run into just in case the atmosphere was to become too uneasy for her to bear.

"Me? Why would he want to talk to me? Just me and him alone?"

At this, all the cats in the circle – all except Etcetera and Jemima – purred.

"Aww, that is _so_ sweet!" Electra exclaimed.

"I'm sure he wants to ask you out," Victoria grinned.

"Well… uh… Do I have to go…?" Etcetera asked with a clearly uncomfortable look. One could easily know by the uneasy twitching of her whiskers that there were at least two thousand thoughts crossing each other in her mind.

"I mean… He really wants to see you," Jemima answered. She hoped it wouldn't be too late to bring back the usual, gigantic smile that was present on her best friend's face only a minute ago.

"Well…" Etcetera murmured.

"Come on, Etcy! Why are you so reluctant?" said Exotica, giving some supposed-to-be-encouraging pats on her back.

"Hey, let's have a quick vote," Electra suddenly suggested. "Who thinks Etcy should go tonight and meet Pounce?"

All paws were raised – all except Etcetera and Jemima's.

Eventually, and ever so slowly, Jemima raised up her paw into the air.

"Ha! There! Total majority! Majority rules, so you should go," declared Electra, although she knew that the whole voting process was intended as only a joke.

"Well… I mean… I gotta say… I just don't feel comfortable around him…" Etcetera sighed, as if she was confessing an unforgivable transgression.

Gasps went throughout the circle.

"Etcy! How can you say that? He is such a sweet tom!" Electra complained.

"Do you mean… he did something to you… or anything bad like that…?" Victoria carefully suggested.

"No, of course not! I mean, he didn't exactly _do_ something… but…"

"But what?"

"It's… it's… complicated. Yes, I know I sound like a jerk. It's not like I hate him or anything…" Etcetera desperately tried to defend herself.

"Then… what in the world is bugging you?"

"Well… you know… I'm a hundred-percent sure that he has a crush on me, but…"

Before she could even finish her sentence, purrs went throughout the circle once again.

"…but I feel like it's gotten a bit _too_ far. I mean, it's not like he one day came up to me and said, 'Oh, Etcy, I love you and I want to go out with you!" – and I don't think he has the guts to do that. But… he stares at me all the time, and at first, it was okay – like someone thinks you're pretty and all – but after a while, it gets creepy. It's not like he's going to do something to me or anything, but… it's just… creepy when he does that or just comes up to me for no reason…"

"Oh, I wish I had a tom who does that to me," Electra laughed.

"No – I'm serious! I know what he's trying to do, and it's a little too much for me. He's just not… the tom I want to open up my heart to…" Etcetera admitted. She immediately regretted having said the last sentence in front of all of her friends.

"Ouch," Victoria said.

"Gosh, you _are _a female pollicle, Etcy," said Electra, although only as a joke.

"So, maybe… you should tell him not to do that when you go up to him tonight," Jemima suggested in the midst of all the friendly banters going around.

"Look. I wouldn't feel all that good being alone with him tonight…" Etcetera said, half-pleading (as if she didn't have free will).

"Come on, Etcy! He really wants to talk to you."

"But he makes me feel uncomfortable! All the unusual attention he has given me these days! Hey, can one of you guys go with me tonight…?"

"But he told me he wants to see you alone," Jemima quickly said, giving no one a chance, although she knew that he probably did not explicitly say that. _I mean, he implied that he wants to see her alone… He never asked me to have another cat – other than her – come… Or, wait, did he…? No, I don't think so… _She couldn't distinguish between what was true and what was falsehood. They all seemed to be jumbled up and mixed up together into a pool of filthy mud in her mind.

"Oh, it's really going to be awkward! Just me and him! Do I really need to go?" Etcetera cried.

At this, Jemima suddenly felt a great sense of guilt. How it was her own self who was being a female pollicle… She knew perfectly well that she was forcing her own best friend into an awkward, no, painful spot, and how she saw that Etcetera seemed to be only a few steps away from breaking into tears… _No! A promise is a promise! I promised Pounce that I'd help him, and even Munk told me to keep that promise! I can't just break it now!_

"Ugh! Everything's going to be awkward; just plain awkward…" Etcetera said under her breath, her eyes closed tight. The whole circle suddenly seemed to be on her side, feeling sympathy for her, for Etcetera, who was put into all this mess because of Jemima…

_Crap! Guys, no! Now everyone will hate me and… uggh…!_ Jemima's mind blanked out for a moment. Then…

"Alright! If you go over to Pounce's place tonight and if something goes wrong, I'll take the blame for it all!" she cried. _Crap. Another promise that I didn't think through…_

"Jem, are you serious? What if Pounce… like… you know… _touches_ her or something…?" Exotica asked quietly, hoping not to irritate any more of Etcetera's nerves.

"Oh, he'll never do that! He… he's a good tom. He may have a weird way of showing that he has a crush, but… Everything should be okay! Come on, Etcy! Will you go over tonight to his den… just… for me…?" Jemima pleaded. "Please… Etcy… Trust on me…"

"Uh… well… uh… Ugh! Alright! I'll go," Etcetera finally agreed, shaking her head in disbelief of what she had just said.

"Woohoo! Go Etcy!" squealed Electra.

"Come on; everything will be fine. Just be cool," said Victoria with a smile intended for encouraging up her friend's spirit.

_I hate myself, Etcy,_ thought Jemima in her mind, her eyes shut painfully tight. _And I think you'll hate me, too… if you don't hate me right now._


	16. That Night

**Cocobutterox/ Thank you! Well, here we go in this chapter: Just Pouncival and Etcetera being together! :)**

**Jemidancer2011/ Thanks! But if things work out so quickly, then it wouldn't be fun! (evil laugh) :)**

* * *

Night arrived much more quickly than what she had hoped.

Etcetera looked up into the dark, endless night sky and sighed. Perhaps, a few twinkling stars every here and there might have encouraged up her spirit. But the night was too merciless for even that; all that Etcetera could see was a great field of nocturnal clouds, an infinitely wide blanket that covered up all of the illumination of the desperate stars above.

The moonlight, too, seemed to be a victim of the clouds' naughtiness.

But what could she say? They were all parts of the order of the great nature, the powerful force well beyond her control. What good was it to complain at the moment about the absence of those celestial lights?

Sighing as if the whole ground was breaking up, Etcetera started to walk up to the tom's den again; step by step, paw by paw… only to stop after four or five steps.

_I wish all this was just a dream… Just a very unpleasant dream! And I would simply open my eyes to meet the daylight, and then I'd inhale the fresh, new air…_

Such imagination never gave any long-term relief.

_An hour of lecture from Munk would be better than this! Going into that den and being stuck with Pouncival for hours? What does Jem expect out of me?_

_But… But… what can I do at this point…? Run away? Run away to… Jem? Or 'Lectra? Or Victoria? Oh, how I wish that I could! Oh, Pouncival! You pollicle! Why couldn't you have a crush on 'Lectra or someone? Why does it have to be me? Why does it have to be me would has to be forced into this awkward, no, painful situation?_

Then, all of a sudden, as if they had a mind of their own, her legs started to pick up their pace.

_Oh, damn it; no, no, you can't do this!_

Everything around her blurred out; the only thing clear to her eyes was the entrance of Pouncival's den.

_Legs! Stop! I never told you to run! Run in the opposite direction!_

Rebellion. Her legs ignored whatever her mind was commanding and only kept on sprinting full speed. In no more than a few seconds, she was standing in front of what seemed to her as the Gate of Death; or, at least, a miniature version of it. She had to admit in her mind that all hope had been sucked out at this point; closing her eyes shut, she slowly raised her paw to knock by the side of the entrance.

_I'll just keep quiet for the most of the time. If he does anything or says something bad, I'll just beat the crap out of him and leave._

She checked her claws.

_Hmm. Sharper than ever._

* * *

_Why in the Junkyard isn't she coming? _Pouncival wandered around helplessly in his own den.

_Jem… you promised me that you'll make her come…_

His heart felt like it was going to burst from all of its crazy beating. He was already sweating heavily, looking like he had been dancing in a pouring rain. He felt his head to make sure that no fur was sticking out in an unusual angle. He then checked his whiskers for the thirty-sixth time so far that night and sighed.

_Etcy! Where in the world are you? Didn't Jem tell you I want to see you? Did you hear it with one ear and then let it out with the other?_

There was no doubt that he was desperately longing for the arrival of his crush, yet at the same time, he felt rather relieved by the constant delay.

_What should I say when she comes? Should I be really formal and shake her paws or something? No, I'll only look weird if I do that. Should I hug her? No, not in the first minute. What should I talk about? The weather? Gossip? Macavity? Oh… gosh… Well, if anything gets awkward, I'll just smile; I guess queens like smiles. And hopefully, by the end of tonight, I'll…_

Knock.

_Damn it! It's her! It's her!_

He ran to greet her. Yes, it was her, her lovely face, her petite body, everything outlined against the dark night sky…

"Oh, uh… hey! Etcy! Please, come in!" He tried to make sure that his grin wasn't too obvious.

She came in.

The first thing Pouncival did was to glance at her face (again, making sure he wasn't being too obvious), hoping that he could pick out from it even the slightest bit of a smile; but… nothing.

_She actually… looks angry or sad or something… This is gonna be a tough night…_

"Hey, uh, Etcy, I really appreciate you coming. So… uh… What's up?"

"Nothing much," she answered. No eye contact.

"Uh… okay… cool…" Pouncival then regretted not having cleaned up his den before she came (_Why am I so stupid?_); where was she supposed to sit?

"Pounce… uh… it's a… uh… _lovely_ den you have…" Etcetera said, looking around in half-disgust.

"Uh… yeah… Sorry about how messy it is… Uh, why don't you… well… sit here…?" he said, gesturing to a small yellow pillow. It was the cleanest object to sit on for the moment.

She nodded and hesitantly sat down.

"Come on, Etcy. You don't have to sit all tensed up. Come on, relax. My home is your home."

"Uh… No, I'd rather not have this as my home…"

_Is she joking or is she trying to say something?_ Pouncival (unfortunately) realized by the look on her face that inside her "joke" was an unpleasant message… either about his den or simply him. "Uh… okay…" he murmured.

He then quickly sat down. _Not too close, but not too far away… Perfect._

A solid minute of silence passed; it was quiet enough to hear the blood travelling through one's veins.

"Uh…" Pouncival opened his mouth, attempting to dismiss the silence. When he saw his crush only looking down at the ground, he immediately shut his mouth up.

This time, at least five minutes of solid silence passed.

"So…" Pouncival finally decided to speak again, "I'm curious if you have anything exciting going on…"

Etcetera shook her head.

"I'm sure there's gotta be something going on, right, Etcy?" _Please, open your freakin' mouth… I'm begging you in my mind…_

She shook her head again.

At this, a decent amount of anger suddenly filled his heart. _Until when are you going to keep that silence of yours? Look, I'm trying to warm things up here and you're just sitting there, saying nothing. Come on! I know you're always excited and chattering and all that! But why are you so quiet only in front of… me?_

On his outside, he made sure that his mouth kept shut. The fiend of silence was again dominating the airs.

"Pounce," Etcetera finally said, "I don't know why you told Jem to ask me to come here. What were we going to do? Sing? Dance? Laugh? Cry? I know you had me come for a reason…"

"Uh… well… I mean, I just wanted to hang out…. You know, do what friends do… except for the part where they get drunk…" Pouncival answered nervously. He tried to have a confident eye contact with her, but it was as if his eyes and her eyes were pieces of the same side of a magnet, pushing each other off.

"But we're not _really_ friends, are we? At least, we're not that close of friends," Etcetera said, shrugging.

An arrow of agony cut through his heart.

"Pounce, I'm sure you had me come for a reason. Right now, I think we're just wasting time."

Second arrow of agony.

"I mean, Pounce, if it feels awkward to have me here, maybe I should just leave… Do you feel alright having me here?"

Third arrow of agony. _Okay; I gotta say something._

"Come on, Etcy. You don't need to go. We can… uh… be chill in here. Come on… Why don't we talk about… uh… you know… uh…" _Please, Etcy, finish the freakin' sentence! You know my mind is really blank right now…!_

Etcetera shrugged. "I don't know. I don't want to bring any queen gossip in here; I'm sure you wouldn't like it."

"Anything's better than this silence," Pouncival replied.

"Actually, sometimes, silence is golden," she answered back.

_No, silence is pure shit for me right now!_ Pouncival tried to think of whatever that had happened these recent days, whatever that might attract the attention of this queen… _Should I make something up? Say that I caught a snake or something? No, if she realizes I'm telling a lie, she'll hate me forever…_

"Uh… well… Oh! Here's something you didn't know, Etcy! Did you know that if you open your eyes while you sneeze, your eyes will pop out? The same thing applies with humans, too!"

Etcetera responded with a clearly irritated face. "Why… would I need to know… that? That's rather gross…"

"Oh. Sorry." _Crap!_

"Alright. Since we have nothing good to talk about, I think I should just leave," Etcetera said, shaking her head.

"Wait! No, no!" Then, was it his darkest desires that suddenly woke up and took over his mind? Or was he having a mental breakdown? Whatever it was, he put into action what he would regret for eternity: He, all of a sudden, grabbed Etcetera by her shoulders; not giving her a chance, he forced his lips onto her lips, pushing harder and harder each second. He held it there for at least a good while and finally let go, panting. It was probably the greatest feeling that he had ever felt; his heart could explode any second.

"This… this is what I really want to say," he said, looking straight into her eyes.

Etcetera didn't say anything. She just sat there, shivering. Her eyes lost focus, and then they came back. She shook her head, grabbing onto the last, feeble hope that it was all only a cruel nightmare. When she realized that it wasn't, she tried to stand up, only to lose balance and fall back down. Although her legs were now lacking of any form of energy, she eventually stood up after much struggling.

"W… what… what the fuck was that…?" she asked, trembling. Her breathing became irregular and violent. Her face was blood-red, a mixture of humiliation, confusion, disbelief, shame, and, anger…

"Uh… uh… well…" Pouncival murmured. _Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why did I do that?_

"Pounce… Pouncival… Is… this… this what you called me for…? Please say it wasn't…"

"No… it's… it's not why I called you… Well… uh…"

"P… Pounce… I'm… I'm… just gonna leave… Don't force me to stay…" Etcetera said, shaking. Tears were starting to trickle down from her watery eyes.

"Oh, gosh! No! Etcy! I'm… I'm… really sorry! Please… no… Let's talk this out…"

"Talk your whole fucking life out and I wouldn't forget what just happened… I… I don't want to see you any longer…" She slowly started to step out, her paws trembling at each step.

_Fuck! _Pouncival exclaimed in his mind, although he was tempted to say it out loud._ What in the world did I do? No, this didn't happen. It did not happen. I'm sure my mind is just making things up… I'm sure all this didn't happen. I'm sure… Oh, damned me! Why did I do that!_

"Etcy! Please! Please don't tell anyone… especially Munk… that I did this! Please! He'll kill me if you tell him! Just… please don't tell anyone! I'm begging you!"

She left without responding to his desperate plea.

Suddenly, Pouncival gasped… Then, he started to laugh – not a normal laugh, but a hysterical laugh, a pointless laugh about how he couldn't do anything at this point, a laugh that would give goosebumps to anyone who was looking. As if the air was hypnotizing him, he spun around in a circle and collapsed.

* * *

Outside, Etcetera regretted why she didn't use her claws; after all, she had promised herself to do so earlier that night. Although her tears distorted her vision, her claws still seemed sharp to her.


	17. She's Going to Hate Me

**Cocobutterox/ Thank you! I'm sorry about the late update!**

**Jemidancer2011/ No problem. Thank you. :)**

* * *

He woke up and found himself lying on the floor in the same exact position that he fell asleep last night. Nothing was different about his den; he felt as if he had woken from a terrible nightmare. Or was it… just a nightmare?

He slowly got up and stretched out his body. It was rather sore, but not too bad. It was then when he realized that he had a terrible headache; he stumbled back a few steps and hit his head with his paw a few times, trying to get at least a little bit of the pain away.

A few painful minutes had to pass before it went away.

And now, what was he to do? He went over a few possible options in his head. _Should I go back to sleep? No, I'm too awake now. Should I stay in my den for the morning? No… that's too boring. Then… should I go to someone's den? Should I go to Tumble's, perhaps? No, he's probably still sleeping. Then…?_

The only choice left was Jemima's den. Not that he exactly wanted to go there that morning, but the range of options to choose from had shrunken dramatically by that point.

_Go to her den…? But she'll ask me about what happened last night! And if I do tell her what happened, then…_

He shivered at the thought.

_But…_

He then realized that he had already stepped out of his den.

* * *

"Jem, are you in there? May I come in?" he asked in front of her den. _What other choice do I have? She's the only one I can talk to for now… Oh, but she'll hate me if I tell her what really happened! Should I just say that everything went well? But Etcetera will tell her eventually!_

"Is someone out there?" a sleepy voice asked from the inside of the den.

"Uh… yes… And that's why you're hearing a voice asking if he can come in… Hehe…"

"Okay… Yes, come in, Pounce."

He did so. Jemima seemed like she had just got out of sleep; one of her eyes was still half-open.

"Oh. I'm sorry if I woke you up," Pouncival said. "Should I just talk to you later?"

"No, stay. I want to hear what happened. How did it go last night?" she asked; despite her desire for a continuation of her slumber, her curiosity was still very obvious in her voice.

"Well… uh…" he mumbled. He then laughed nervously. "Well…"

"Did she enjoy being with you? What happened? Any progress?" Jemima asked, both of her eyes now fully awake.

"Well… uh… you see… well… ahem… everything… uh… went fine. Nothing… uh… bad. Uh…"

"Pounce, I can't understand what you're saying. Did something awful happen?"

"Uh… uh… no! No, nothing awful happened. Nothing. Uh… I had a good time with her… you know…"

"Pounce, I feel like you're hiding something. Is there something wrong? Come on, you can tell me."

Pouncival sighed. "Really, Jem? I can tell you anything?"

"Well, anything, yes, as long as you tell the truth…"

"Uh… well…"

"Pounce! Is there a potato in your mouth or something? Come on, speak up! I really need to know what happened last night!"

"Oh… uh… You won't get mad…?"

"Mad? Did something terrible happen?"

"No, uh… well... Jem… uh…" he murmured. Sweat was pouring down from his head like heavy rainfall. He nervously looked around, unable to look into his friend's eyes. _She's going to kill me if I tell her… Oh, why did I even decide to come here today…?_

"Pounce, are you really alright? Gosh, look at your sweat! Something's not usual about you today. Please, tell me what happened, please…" she insisted.

"You… you won't get… angry… right…?" he asked again.

"Ugh! Okay, Pounce! I won't get angry! Just tell me!"

Pouncival sighed. "Well… you see… uh… hmm… Last night, Etcy came to my den; exactly how we planned it. But then… she really seemed uncomfortable with me… We were awkward all the time, and she even told me at one point how I wasn't really her friend and all… And…"

Jemima gasped. "I'm sure she didn't say _that_, right? Pounce! She'd never say something like that in front of someone's face!"

"So… I felt really awkward… And I tried to make her chill and stuff, but she kept on being somewhat rude to me, and…"

"Pounce! Is that what really happened? Oh, Pounce, I feel so sorry for you!"

"I mean, I wanted to do my best and all that, but she just acted so cold, and…"

"Aww! You must feel… so _hurt_! Come on, you need a hug right now!" She leaned toward him and tightly hugged him, patting him on the back like a mother would do to her crying kitten.

"Poor Pounce…" she muttered. "I never knew that Etcy could be like that!"

Pouncival wasn't able to find any words to say at the moment, but he couldn't deny how pleasant it felt to be hugged. The feeling that there was someone who was on his side… _Oh. It's because I told her only half of the story… But I have no courage to tell her what happened next! Yes, I'm making Etcy sound like a bitch right now, but… but…!"_

He sighed again and inhaled a great chunk of air in and exhaled. His veins were trembling and heat was rising from his entire body; but he knew perfectly that he had to tell it sooner or later, and that delaying it would only multiply his guilt, the burden in his mind…

"Jem, then… I kinda did something stupid…" he whispered.

Jemima's eyes widened. "What do you… mean…?"

"I… uh… uh… kinda just let myself... uh…"

"Pounce, what is it…?

"I… kinda let myself… uh… kiss… her suddenly… and… I… uh…"

"Kiss…? K-kissed… her…? W-wait, you kissed her all of a sudden...? Or… wait. I just misheard what you said, right? Right?"

Pouncival looked as if he was being strangled. "No, you heard it right. I… Yes, I kissed her, all of a sudden, without warning, without any–"

"Oh, you idiot!" Jemima cried. She raised up her paw and swung it onto his cheek, almost making him lose his balance.

"What the hell was that!" Pouncival shouted, both confusion and anger apparent on his face. "You promised me you wouldn't get angry!"

"But I didn't know that you did something _that_ stupid!" she cried. "W-what made you do that? Were you drunk or high on something…? Did Macavity give you a potion of human medicine or something? And you came to my den for help?"

"But you didn't have to slap me!" he complained.

"Well, I think you deserve another one!" And giving him no chance, she slapped his other cheek with perhaps all of her force.

"Okay, that's it! I can't stand it anymore! Come on, I'm going to kill you, Jem, I'm gonna beat the–"

"Well, maybe that's what Etcy feels about you right now!" Jemima hollered. "Do you know what being force-kissed means? That like… half-rape! You made her seem like a bitch in front of me but it was you who did the most wrong! Kissed her? She would've hated it! Munk is going to kill you if he knows!"

"Yes, I know! And that's what I'm scared to death about right now!" Pouncival shouted into the dirt, as if he was too ashamed to say it directly to his friend. He then led himself to an old frying pan sitting at the corner of the den and started to bang his head on it as if the headache from earlier that morning was coming back again.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh; Pounce, you idiot! What am I going to do, what am I going to do…?" Jemima repeated to herself as she walked around in a circle, her great distress represented by her trembling. "Etcy's gonna kill me; she's going to kill me, yes…"

"Why would she kill you?" Pouncival asked with a scowl. "She'll hate _me_ forever, not you!"

"But it was me who persuaded her to go to your den!"

"I… I can just tell her that I threatened you to do so or something!" he replied. "You and Etcetera are best friends! She's not going to hate you for this!"

"You say that because you're not in my situation!"

"What situation?"

"I promised her that if anything bad was to happen to her at your den, I'd take the blame for it all! And that's why she was finally persuaded to go to your freakin', damned den, Pouncival!"

Pouncival froze. "Why… would you promise such a stupid thing…?" he slowly asked.

"So that she would go to your den and you wouldn't be disappointed! Pounce! I did all this for you and is this how you pay me back? I helped you for all this much and you just had to tear it down! And stop banging your head on that thing! You're gonna make a dent in my instrument!"

"This is an instrument? I thought it was what people use to cook with… Isn't it called a 'frying pan' or something…?"

"Oh, just shut up!" Jemima replied.

Suddenly, the two heard a voice coming from outside.

Jemima put her paw over Pouncival's mouth. "Who is it?" she asked.

"Who do you think it is, Jem? I _have _to talk to you right now! I'm coming in!" said the enraged voice.

And before Jemima had a chance to blurt out a profane vocabulary, Etcetera was already standing in front of her, looking as if she was having a heart attack.

"What… the… hell… is he… doing here…?" she asked Jemima, pointing with her shaking paw at the tom that she abhorred of so much. "W-why would… he… be in your…den…?"

Jemima, too, looked as if her heart had suddenly stopped beating; Pouncival wasn't in any better situation.

The three cats couldn't say anything for a few minutes.


End file.
